


You're the Sunflower

by Stjosten



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Bonfires, Camping, Everyone Is In Love with Each Other, Falling In Love, Found Family Vibes, Implied/Referenced Past Abuse, M/M, Mutual Pining, Neil Josten has feelings, Road Trip, Soft Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Summer Vibes, The Smallest Amount of Angst, a bunch of firsts, carnivals and summer concerts, drive in movies, eventual non explicit sexual content, everyone is really soft, mentions of ptsd and mental health issues, mentions of scars, neil learning to love everyone around him, only a bit of hurt mostly comfort, pool days, so many summer tropes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:35:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 40,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25074733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stjosten/pseuds/Stjosten
Summary: Neil and Stuart make a deal. Neil will stay at Stuart’s house for the rest of the summer and in August Neil can decide if he wants to stay or if he wants to go. His decision is already made. There isn’t anything here for him and he knows that if he stops running he will be as good as dead in a few months.It’s unfortunate that this is the moment in his life when he finally meets a group of people that are willing to see past all of his never ending issues and give him a second chance at life. Even if they can manage to give him a thousand reasons to stay, he doesn’t think that it will be worth it in the end. He’s leaving and nothing is going to stop him, at least that’s what he keeps telling himself.A summer trope filled story that takes place over three months.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 137
Kudos: 588





	1. June

“So this is it,” Stuart says, holding his hand up and ushering Neil into the cool, air conditioned front room of his mini mansion. Neil steps inside, hand wrapped around his duffel bag with his arms and legs shaking from nerves. The entire front room is overwhelmingly large. Neil looks over the sprawling front staircase, the large chandelier set over the center of the room, the ornate flooring, and the large modern paintings that hang on the walls. It is very different from the places Neil would stay with his mother on the run. They would only hole up in old run down motels or abandoned houses with rotting floorboards and moldy ceilings. 

_This_ house reminds Neil of his home in Baltimore. The sprawling estate that his father owned and operated for so many years. Neil tries to remember what the front room of the Baltimore house looked like, but comes up blank. He thinks it might be a blessing. 

“Make yourself comfortable,” Stuart insists. He looks a bit anxious which should put Neil on edge, but instead just makes him feel tired. So tired, bone tired. Stuart has been giving him nothing but looks of sadness since he picked him up from the hospital four months ago. Neil should be used to it by now, but instead he seethes in frustration whenever Stuart looks at him like he’s a fragile porcelain bowl that he’s afraid to break. 

Neil thinks that he’s stronger than porcelain. He endured his father’s wrath for so many years, that had to mean something. 

“Sure,” Neil says softly. He steps further into the front room and tries to avoid making eye contact with Stuart, who is once again giving him that sad look of concern. 

“I can give you a tour?” Stuart offers awkwardly. He shuts and locks the front door. The click of the lock sounds like a death sentence. 

“Just show me to my room,” Neil replies. He looks over his shoulder and watches Stuart fidget with his keys before he nods and starts walking into the house with purpose. 

Neil follows him up the sprawling staircase and down a long hallway. The rest of the house is as luxurious as the front room and Neil tries not to be overwhelmed by the vastness. He would have time later to explore and map out the entire home. For now he wants nothing more than to crawl into a bed and hide under the blankets.

“Here it is,” Stuart says, stopping at the end of the hall, “Not much in here right now but I’m sure we can fill it with whatever you want the longer you stay.” 

Neil shuffles from one foot to the other before reaching out and pushing the door open. It’s as empty as Stuart had warned him it would be, nothing but a bed, a dresser, and a side table. 

“I won’t be staying long,” Neil says, not for the first time. Stuart gives him the look he always gives him and Neil has to look away. “Thanks,” Neil adds on, just to be safe.

He walks into the bedroom and discards his duffel bag onto the floor by the dresser. He probably won’t be using it anyway, he’ll just keep his clothes in his duffel until it’s time for him to leave. 

“I’ll leave you to get settled in,” Stuart says, “Do you want anything specific for dinner?” 

Neil turns to look at him and shrugs. Stuart nods stiffly before reaching for the door to pull it closed. 

“Let me know if you need anything,” He says before closing the door and finally leaving Neil completely alone for the first time in four months. 

Neil kicks off his shoes, walks straight to the bed, pulls back the covers, and curls up into a ball small enough to look like a pillow hidden under the covers. He closes his eyes and clenches his hands and wills his heart to stop thudding out an irregular beat. 

This wasn’t forever, he tells himself, this was just for now. A pit stop before Neil went back to doing what he does best. Running. 

*

Stuart doesn’t bother him for the first few days. Neil is grateful for the reprieve, it has been far too long since he was left alone long enough to sort out his racing thoughts. He starts by coming up with a game plan. A few days in Stuart’s house would be enough for Neil to figure out where he wants to go, he can rest and start stockpiling necessities for his inevitable departure. 

Stuart doesn’t agree with his plan but never mentions it, even when Neil corrects him and says that he won’t be staying for long whenever Stuart offers to buy him new sheets or a chair or a desk. He only ever looks sadly at Neil before nodding and dropping the subject all together. 

On the fourth day in Stuart’s house, Neil decides that he’s ready to move on. He can take a bus and head west towards Arizona. It’s the best option, less populated small towns and relatively inexpensive housing. Neil and his mother had never made it that far when they were on the run from his father. He at least owes it to her to keep going. 

Neil packs up his duffel bag and clears out his room, which isn’t hard because he hasn’t really made a mess, and takes off down the stairs to the front room. Stuart is already waiting for him, looking slightly uncomfortable and tense as he stands by the front door, his hands curling together like an old sailor’s knot. 

Neil stops dead in his tracks at the bottom of the stairs. Stuart was supposed to be at work right now, at least Neil thought he was going to be at work. It wasn’t part of the plan for Stuart to catch him in the act of running away, but Neil isn’t ashamed of himself. This is what he wants, no, what he _needs_ to do for himself. Staying will make him as good as dead in the long run. His mother always told him to keep moving, he can’t stop listening to her now just because she’s gone.

Stuart lets out a deep sigh and places his hands on his hips in a motion that is confrontational. They stare at each other for several moments before Neil starts moving again. He doesn’t make it very far. He stops just out of arm's reach of Stuart and gives him his own confrontational stance.

“I told you I was going to leave eventually,” Neil says, “This is it. I’m leaving.” 

Stuart doesn’t budge from his spot by the door, Neil knows there is another exit around back and a third through the kitchen to the left. He can very easily leave without Stuart stopping him, he’s fast enough and determined enough to go.

“I think you leaving is a mistake,” Stuart says firmly.

Stuart lifts his head and sighs again, this time it’s bone deep and sounds like defeat or maybe determination because when he looks back down at Neil there is a steely look in his eyes that wasn’t there before. Neil stiffens immediately, his body preparing to take off running if need be. 

“I promised your mother that I would look out for you,” Stuart says, “I know you want to go because you don’t think it’s safe to stay in one place for too long, but I can assure you that you’re safe now. No one is going to hurt you here and the FBI is keeping close tabs on you and the situation with your father’s men. No one is coming to get you. You’re safe.” 

Neil chews on the inside of his lip and debates how he should respond. He doesn’t think Stuart is lying, but he doesn’t know the extent of his father’s power. He doesn’t really know that they won’t come after him eventually. Nathan might have been a low level gangster, nothing more than a ruthless, drug dealing, monster, but Neil knows what his men are capable of. They won’t give up until Neil Hatford is dead. 

There is a part of him that wishes he could stay. A very small part of him. The part of him that signed up for track in high school when he and his mother had been hiding in Colorado. This part of him was impulsive and dangerous, a foolish child that wanted to belong rather than be alone. Neil tries to push that version of himself down somewhere deep, but finds that he can only manage a slight nudge. 

“Why don’t we make a deal?” Stuart proposes. He finally relaxes his stance and moves away from the door, Neil watches him warily and gestures for him to continue. 

“You stay for the entire summer, and I mean the _entire_ summer and if you are so determined to leave by then you can go,” Stuart says, “But if you decide you want to stay you can. I won’t try to stop you either way.” 

Neil curls his fingers around the strap of his duffel bag, the duffel bag that carries everything that Neil owns. He waits for the _but_ in Stuart’s deal but he says nothing. It could be a trick. A simple line of sweet words that will make Neil feel like he is safe enough to make his own decision, only to rip that chance away from him when push comes to shove. 

Sadly, the part of him that wants to stay, to settle, to _live_ is determined to rear its ugly head and force Neil to make a choice that he really doesn’t want to make. 

He opens his mouth and says, “Fine.” 

Stuart looks relieved, his shoulders slump and he lets out a breath. He deflates like a balloon and Neil feels slightly bad that he was the reason that Stuart was carrying himself so tightly. 

“Good,” Stuart says, “I think that’s a very good decision.” 

He steps completely away from the door and starts to head to the left wing of the bottom floor, most likely off to his office to get some work done. Neil doesn’t move from his spot while Stuart walks away. A part of him thinks about just taking off out the front door right now and never looking back. He finds that part of him to be much weaker than the other. He lets out a sigh and turns to start his ascent back up the stairs, back to his bland bedroom. 

“Oh, by the way,” Stuart calls out, stopping Neil halfway up the stairs. Neil peers his head over the railing and watches as Stuart smiles up at him, the closest thing to a genuine smile that Stuart has given him in months. “We’re going furniture shopping tomorrow. I won’t have you sleeping in a room as sad looking as yours.” 

“Fine,” Neil bites out. He turns away and walks up the stairs faster than before, hoping to avoid any more interruptions. 

Once he is back in his bedroom, the room that he is going to keep for the next few months, he finally realizes the decision he just made. 

He drops his duffel bag to the floor, and for the first time since he was released from the hospital in Baltimore, he considers unpacking the bag and staying.

*

Stuart’s house is fine really. He doesn’t bother Neil nearly as much as Neil expects him to. Stuart makes sure he eats three square meals a day, makes sure that his room is set up and filled with furniture, a desk, a soft cushioned arm chair, and a bookshelf that is currently empty but is determined to be filled. He leaves Neil to his own devices during the day, going off to work at his cushy office job. When he comes home he makes dinner and asks Neil if he did anything fun. 

The answer is always no. Neil hasn’t left the house since he arrived two weeks ago. It’s not that Neil _doesn’t_ want to go out, it’s just that he doesn’t trust himself to come back. Instead of risking his body's automatic desire to flee, he decides to stay inside and occupy his time with watching tv or running laps around the first floor. 

Stuart isn’t exactly thrilled but he doesn’t push, which isn’t surprising to Neil anymore. He isn’t so gentle and awkward with Neil as he had been before they made their deal, but he still gives Neil more breathing room and autonomy than he has ever had in his life. Freedom is a sour tasting fruit, he decides, one part sweet enough to almost be worth it, but two parts biting and disorienting. It makes his skin prickle when he thinks about it too much.

Turns out that Neil isn’t very good at staying in one place. Rather quickly he feels an itch under his skin that he can’t seem to scratch. No amount of running around the house and nearly scuffing Stuart’s floors is enough to settle the buzz. He doesn’t want to risk going out in daylight, not trusting himself to come back and not trusting the world not to see him coming. So he decides that, since he can’t sleep anyway, he might as well make use of his time by going out running at night. It’s better than staying cooped up inside and it’s just enough space for him to pretend that he isn’t settled in one place until September. 

The first night run is uneventful. The area around Stuart’s house is lackluster and boring, just large houses next to large houses, with no real change in scenery. The second night he runs a bit further than he had before, reaching a suburban neighborhood before turning around and running back to Stuart’s house. 

On the third run he keeps going, past the suburban neighborhood and into the more dynamic section of town. He finds a park and runs laps around the large water feature before leaving. 

It’s nice running at night. Nothing but Neil, the dark, the trees, and the quiet whisper of the wind against his ears as he runs. At night he can pretend that there isn’t anything else but this. Just the quiet slap of his running shoes against the hard earth and his huffs of breath as he keeps an even pace.

It very quickly goes downhill on the fourth night. Up until this point Neil has never run into another person out on his nightly run. It helps that he waits until two or three in the morning before lacing up his shoes and taking off into the cool summer air. Of course tonight is different. He was finally getting comfortable with his routine. Something had to come along and throw it off. 

He’s running through the park again, looping the fountain and then taking off down the sidewalk towards the basketball court. It’s too dark to see anything, which is why Neil ends up jogging straight into a basketball. Or rather the ball _flies_ straight into _him_.

As soon as the hard ball hits his side he goes down. Mostly from shock but also from impact. He hits the ground hard and then flops like a fish before settling himself with his hands. 

“Holy shit,” a voice says, “I’m so sorry!”

Neil watches in horror as a group of people seem to materialize out of the darkness of the court and into the park's street lamp. He has been so comfortable in his routine that he hadn’t even _considered_ that there could be people out here in the middle of the night. He thinks about checking his phone to see exactly what time it is but his body is stiff and his eyes are stuck on the tall figure that is towering over him. 

“Nice going, Matt!” A second voice calls, a woman. She steps forward and flicks her long blonde hair over her shoulder, stopping beside Matt and looking down at Neil with pity. “You almost killed the poor kid!” 

“I didn’t mean to!” Matt says back, “I didn’t even see him coming! You’re fast, kid.” 

Neil doesn’t exactly like the term of endearment but decides to suck it up and bite back the rude retort on his tongue. There are at least ten figures standing over him right now, if they decide to beat the shit out of him, well he doesn’t think he’s fast enough to get away from all of them. 

Matt steps forward and extends a hand out for Neil to take. Neil ignores it in favor of pushing himself up by his hands. He winces at the burning sensation on his palm and looks down to see that he scraped himself pretty well on his fall. 

“Oh shit,” Matt says, when he catches sight of Neil’s skinned palms, “I’m so sorry. I really didn’t see you coming.” 

“It’s fine,” Neil pronounces, ignoring Matt’s worried tone, “I’ve had worse.”

Matt scowls and says, “That doesn’t make me feel better.” 

“Dan,” the blonde says, looking over her shoulder, “Do you have bandaids?” 

“Of course,” Dan replies. She steps out of the shadows and comes over to Neil. She’s smaller than the other two in front of him but she’s sturdy and intimidating in her own way. Neil watches her warily as she steps up to his front and looks him over.

“Let me see,” she says, holding out her hands. Neil almost says no but there is a look on her face that shows nothing but sincerity. Against his better judgement, he holds his hands out, palm up, and places them in her outstretched hands. 

“Geez,” she says, looking over the damage, her fingers gentle curling around Neil’s, “That’s pretty bad. We should clean it out before putting the bandaids on.” 

“It’s fine,” Neil says again, he pulls his hands away and curls them into fists so that they’ll stop staring at them, “It’s just a scratch.”

Dan looks slightly miffed at the quick retreat but shrugs it off. 

“If you’re sure,” she says.

“I’m sure.” 

“Are you new around here?” Matt asks, “I don’t think I’ve seen you before. What are you doing running out here in the middle of the night?” 

Neil thinks he could ask them the same question. He looks over to the basketball that had caught him off guard and decides to keep his mouth shut. Only really strange people played basketball at three in the morning.

“Yeah,” Neil replies, “I’m just staying for the summer.” 

He doesn’t elaborate and they don’t seem to care enough to ask. 

“Oh, cool!” Matt says, “Well I’m sorry I hit you with the basketball. We come out here at night to play sometimes. None of us are real big on sleeping. Seems you aren’t either.” 

“Not really,” Neil says, because he doesn’t really know what else to say.

“Do you often run around in the middle of the night?” A new voice asks. Neil watches as a tall dark haired boy steps out of the shadows. He watches Neil with a glint of curiosity in his eyes. Neil only shrugs.

“Don’t start roping him into your weird work out world, Kevin,” the blonde says, she reaches out and hooks her arm around his shoulder, forcing him to bend a few inches to match her height, “We just met the poor kid.” 

This _poor kid_ really hates the way they’re talking about him.

“I should go,” Neil says, motioning back towards the other end of the park, “Didn’t mean to interrupt your game.” 

“Do you play basketball?” Kevin asks, “We can use an extra player. Nicky doesn’t really play. He just watches.” 

“Hey!” Nicky, apparently, bellows. He’s standing behind them a bit and is hard to make out in the darkness around them. For the first time, Neil wishes it was light outside. “I’m the honorary cheerleader.” 

“Shouldn’t that be Katelyn's job?” The blonde girl asks, “You know, considering she _was_ a cheerleader in high school.” 

Nicky scoffs at her. “Bitch, I can be a cheerleader if I want.” 

“Hell yeah, Nicky!” A completely different voice replies. 

Neil starts to feel the familiar feeling of panic settle under his skin. A dull buzzing that makes his heart jump into overdrive and his stomach clench. He wants to turn around and run far, far away from this weird group and their weird basketball game in the dark. He takes a step back that goes unnoticed, and then another. 

“Okay, okay,” Dan says, stopping the group behind her from continuing their bickering, “You’re scaring him.” 

“Aww,” the blonde coos, “Poor, kid.” 

“Stop calling me that,” Neil bites out, “I’m not a kid.” 

Kevin laughs at the blonde’s shocked expression, which earns him a smack on the side of the head. 

“He has teeth!” Matt says with a laugh, “Careful, Allison. He’s not going to take your shit.” 

Allison scoffs and flips her hair over her shoulder. She looks impassive as she says, “Whatever. I’m bored. Run along now.” 

She walks back into the court as if nothing happened. Neil tries to make out the rest of the people standing on the court, but his eyes are barely adjusted to the darkness and the lamp above him is making it difficult to focus. 

“I’m going to go,” he says, “If you’re done harassing me and hitting me with basketballs.” 

Matt lets out a noise that’s close to a squeak and says, “It was an accident!” 

Dan smacks his arm and Matt looks at her incredulously. “I said I was sorry!”

Neil rolls his eyes and turns to jog back the way he came. His hands are burning from the open wounds and his side stings a bit where the ball hit him. 

“We’ll be here tomorrow if you want to play,” Kevin calls after him. Neil doesn’t look back, he flips them off and takes off down the walkway. He can hear them bickering behind him, but he tries to block out their voices in favor of listening to the wind whistle in his ears. 

When he gets back to Stuart’s house he cleans and bandages his hands just as his mother taught him, before showering and changing for bed. The panic doesn’t really go away, he spends most of the night staring at his ceiling and counting sheep. Sleep doesn’t catch him until the sun is coming up and poking through the blinds of his windows. 

*

Unfortunately, Neil’s body seems to be on autopilot the next night. The lack of sleep and his bodies need to just _run_ sends him right back to the park and around the fountain and then over to the basketball court. This time he can see the figures bouncing around the court. There are two bright lights set up on either side of the court, illuminating the small gathering of players and the two that are sitting a bit away.

Neil is just about to turn around and take off when he hears someone call out to him. He freezes and watches as Kevin comes rushing over from the court. He stops just a few feet away and gives Neil a lopsided grin. 

“You going to join us tonight?” He asks. 

“No,” Neil says automatically.

Kevin’s face falls but he doesn’t seem to take no for an answer. Frustrating. 

“You sure?” He asks, “We’re really down one player this time. Katelyn, Aaron, and Nicky refuse to play.” 

“Do you know what time it is?” Neil asks, because it’s just _ridiculous_ that they’re out here again, in the middle of the night, playing basketball. Kevin looks surprised and then moves to lift his wrist up so he can check the time on his watch. Neil rolls his eyes and swats at his forearm. 

“It was a rhetorical question,” Neil chides. 

Kevin looks embarrassed and then smiles again. A goofy grin that makes Neil want to slap him upside the head. 

“It’s probably too late for basketball,” Kevin says, “It’s also too late for running. Don’t you think?” 

Neil knows he doesn’t mean anything by it, but the words send a chill down his spine. He wonders for a moment if they _know_. Neil’s identity isn’t exactly a secret. His face was plastered on every news station for weeks following his father’s arrest in Baltimore. If the color of his hair or eyes didn’t give it away then the scars on his face should be hint enough. 

Kevin isn’t aware of Neil’s inner turmoil. He just keeps staring at him with a stupid grin on his face and a hopeful look in his eyes. Neil squeezes his hands into fists and relishes in the bite of pain from his still wounded palms.

“Why the fuck do you want me to play with you?” Neil asks, “You don’t know me.” 

Kevin shrugs, “We need another player and you’re _here_ so-“ he stops talking and shrugs.

Neil lets out a sigh that sounds dangerously close to defeat. He should just turn around and run back to Stuart’s house. He can change his running route and never have to think about these people again. 

Instead his voice says, “Fine.” 

Kevin’s face lights up instantly. 

“Really?” He asks, “You’ll play?” 

Neil shrugs. “I have nothing better to do.” 

“Nice,” Kevin says, “Come on. You can be on my team.” 

Kevin doesn’t try to reach out for Neil, which he’s grateful for. He simply starts walking back towards the court with a slight bounce in his step. Neil wonders why they’re so determined to include him in their weird game of night basketball, but decides that it’s better than running back to Stuart’s house alone. At least now he could tell Stuart that he _did_ something for once. 

They make it over to the court and the game stops immediately. Neil recognizes Matt, Dan, and Allison from the night before. Matt smiles wide and walks straight over to them while Dan and Allison stay back. 

“Hey, kid!” Matt says, making Neil scowl, “Right, sorry, not a fan of nicknames. I’m Matt, by the way. This is Kevin.” 

Neil already knows this, but he nods as if he’s heard it for the first time. 

“Neil,” He says, gesturing to himself. He doesn’t say it’s nice to meet you, because he thinks that it’s too formal but spending so much time with Stuart almost makes the words slip from his mouth before he can stop them. 

“Cool!” Matt says, “Nice to meet you, Neil! Let me introduce you to the insomniac squad.” 

“The what?” Neil asks. Kevin laughs and gives Neil a gentle push in Matt’s direction. Neil pushes his arm away and follows Matt back onto the court where their small group has now formed a semi-circle in the center ring. 

“This is Dan,” Matt says, “Allison, Jeremy, Jean, and Renee.” 

Neil is definitely going to forget their names come the morning. He looks them over and nods when they each give their own gesture of greeting. Allison and Jean watch him with careful disinterest but Jeremy, Renee, and Dan smile warmly at him. He squirms under their gaze and quickly looks away. 

“Over there,” Matt says, gesturing towards the benches on the side of the court where three figures are sitting. “Is Nicky, Aaron, and Katelyn. They’re not playing because they suck.” 

“And because it’s three in the morning and I’m fucking tired,” Aaron announces. 

Katelyn laughs and says, “He’s just upset because he struggles to play against these giants.” 

Neil understands what she means. The group in front of him is much taller than Neil. The only one that might be _somewhat_ in his height range is Jeremy, who stands a significant amount of inches below the rest. Jeremy smiles knowingly and shrugs when Neil catches his eyes. 

“Don’t worry,” Jeremy says, “They’re tall but that makes them slow.” 

“Wow,” Matt, arguably the tallest of the group says, “We’re not _giants_.” 

“Might as well be, babe,” Dan replies sweetly, she reaches out and pats Matt’s arm in a comforting sort of way. She looks towards Neil and asks, “Have you ever played before?” 

“Not really,” Neil responds honestly, “I only really played during gym in high school.”

He doesn't say that the last time he had gym in high school was well over three years ago. They don’t seem perturbed by the admission. Apparently knowing how to play basketball isn’t really a part of the game. 

“Renee also doesn’t know how to play,” Allison says, “She’s just here to be overwhelmingly cute.” 

“So true,” Jeremy adds. Renee smiles sweetly at them both and then turns to Neil. 

“I’m sure you’ll catch on rather quickly. If you’re on Kevin’s team then you probably won’t need to do anything any way. He’s a one man army,” Renee says. 

“So true,” Allison coos, “A one man powerhouse.” 

“A one man stampede,” Matt adds.

“One stupid man, maybe,” Aaron’s voice cuts in from across the court. 

“Hey!” Kevin calls out towards him, “That’s just rude.” 

The others laugh at his obvious displeasure and Neil feels a prickling feeling on the back of his neck. He doesn’t really know them, and it’s clear that he is very much out of the loop. Even so, he thinks the easy banter is rather nice and unexpected. He never had friends when he was on the run, not even when they stayed in one place for a while. It was always, _trust no one, Abram_ and _don’t stand out_. Neil thinks that if he lived another life, a life where he could have stayed in one place for more than a month, that he would have wanted a friendship like this one. 

“Alright, enough,” Kevin says, “We’re here to play, right?” 

“ _You’re_ here to play, babe,” Allison says, “We’re here to make sure you don’t hurt yourself.” 

“Come on,” Kevin says to Neil, his cheeks are flushing ever so slightly, “We have a game to win.” 

*

They win, which apparently isn’t surprising to the others. Kevin _is_ in fact a one man army, he carries the ball and runs across the court like he owns it. Neil is sort of enamored by the instant change in attitude as Kevin plays. He takes over the court and his energy sort of carries to the rest of his wayward team. Matt tries to oppose him, but isn’t nearly as fast or coordinated as Kevin. They win by a landslide and after the game they collapse to the ground by the benches to drink water while they try to catch their breaths. 

Neil stays because his legs feel like goo from running across the court after running all the way there from Stuart’s house. At least he tells himself that’s why he stays. He discovers that he doesn’t _mind_ their company. Even if they bicker over every little thing and make inside jokes that Neil can’t keep up with. 

It’s _something_ , Neil decides which is better than whatever he was doing before Matt hit him with a basketball. That night they all exchange numbers with Neil and he leaves to run back to Stuart’s house with a phone full of contacts and a lightness in his chest. 

Now he isn’t surprised when he runs through the park and finds them waiting for him on the court. A full week goes by with constant games in the darkness, only illuminated by the portable lights that Matt brings with them. 

Neil is slowly figuring them out. Renee is sweet and gentle and everyone talks about her like she is someone that needs to be protected. Neil thinks that she would be more than capable of handling her own, she’s sturdy and unwavering in the same way Dan is. 

He discovers that Jean doesn’t enjoy physical activity but goes because it makes Jeremy and Renee happy. He sees Allison and Kevin’s competitiveness first hand and finds that it’s rather funny to watch the two bicker like old housewives. 

Nicky doesn’t play because, as he says, he’s allergic to sweat. Katelyn prefers to watch because she can’t seem to keep up with the others and Aaron sits out when it suits his fancy. Aaron is the one that Neil can’t seem to make any headway on. He carries himself with an air of arrogance and openly refuses to spare Neil a second glance. The only thing that Neil has figured out about Aaron is that he skateboards and has a twin. 

Everyone is disgustingly nice. They treat Neil like they would treat a new friend. They respect his no’s and don’t push when he dodges their questions. They let him take up space on their court, even if he is absolutely shit at basketball. It’s a surreal feeling. Being welcomed and accepted and wanted. Neil cherishes it because he’s never had it before. Not even when he was with his mother. 

Stuart doesn’t ask why Neil sleeps most of the day and walks around like a zombie when he is awake. There is a worried frown on his face, but he doesn’t push, only gives Neil space and space and space. Neil is getting used to this. Belonging. Existing. Living. For once he doesn’t plot out his next move, doesn’t think about the closest exit, doesn’t imagine where he will go when he leaves in September. 

After the game on Friday night they sit around the center of the basketball court and pass around water bottles and oranges. Neil sits between Matt and Dan and doesn’t argue when Dan peels his orange for him, just watches as she discards the rind and hands him the unobstructed fruit. 

“Thanks,” He mumbles. Dan smiles and then grabs an orange for herself. 

“So, Neil,” Nicky says from across the circle. Katelyn has her feet in his lap and her head in Aaron’s. That was something else Neil couldn’t seem to get used to. The easy affection between everyone in the group. It makes him uncomfortable to think that they might reach out and pull him into an embrace at any moment. Luckily they leave him alone, only slapping his shoulder after a game or playfully ruffling his hair in passing. Those touches don’t feel so terrifying, so Neil accepts them. 

“Yes,” Neil says. He rips apart his orange and arranges the slices by size on the court in front of him. He grabs the smallest and takes a bite.

“How long did you say you were staying?” Nicky asks. 

“The summer,” Neil replies, “I’m leaving at the end of August.” 

“That gives us three months of your undivided attention!” Nicky announces, “How do you feel about carnivals?” 

Neil gives him a curious look and then says, “I’ve never been to one.” 

“Really?” Dan asks from beside him, “Never?” 

Neil shrugs and tries to play it off. “Never. I didn’t really-” He pauses then says, “I didn’t really do a lot during the summer.” 

Most summers he was under the watchful eye of one of his father’s men. The summers on the run with his mother consisted of just that, running. No games, no playtime, no trips just for the sake of taking a trip. They either ran and survived or they died. Neil can’t find it in himself to be upset about it, he lived, somehow.

“Hold on,” Matt says, “What does _that_ mean?” 

“Tell me you’ve at least been to the beach?” Allison asks, “If you say no I might lose my mind.” 

Neil fidgets with the orange slices laid out in front of him and gives a vague shrug, hoping it’s enough to sate them. 

It isn’t.

“Oh my god,” Allison says, “A tragedy.”

“How about an amusement park?” Nicky tries. Neil shakes his head. 

“Drive in movie?” Katelyn asks. Neil frowns and then shakes his head again. He isn’t even sure he knows what that is.

“Water park?” Jeremy asks. 

“Nope,” Neil says, popping the p.

“Wow,” Jean says softly, “And I thought I had a boring childhood.” 

The others hum in agreement and then start to ramble about Neil’s lack of world experience. Neil wants to tell them that it’s nothing. That he spent the majority of his childhood trying not to be cut open or murdered by his psychopath father and that it _really_ isn’t as sad as they think it is. He didn’t really miss anything, especially because he didn’t know what he was missing.

“Okay, hold on,” Dan says, silencing the group with a wave of her hand. Neil looks up to see that she has her phone out and is typing away with a determined look on her face. “Let’s decide right now that we’re going to pop all of Neil’s metaphorical summer cherries.”

The group lets out their rounds of yes’s and hums of agreement. Neil watches Dan with wide eyes as she turns her phone and shows him a notes document labeled: _Neil’s Cherry Popping Summer of Fun_. Neil scowls at the wording which makes Dan laugh. 

“Okay,” Dan says, “First things first. Carnival.” She types it out and then looks up to the group expectantly. “Ideas, please.” 

The others rack off different summer activities and Neil can’t do anything but listen to them list off various things that they can do in their free time. Neil tries to find even _one_ that he somehow managed to do on the run but comes up empty. They don’t stop until the list is so long that Neil is sure they’ll never have a chance to do everything.

“Okay,” Dan says, “We are officially in business. What do you think, Neil? Care to share this journey of exploration with us?” 

Neil watches her for a moment and then looks around the semi-circle. They’re all watching him with various eager looks. He considers saying no and going back to Stuarts but as soon as he has the thought he realizes that he really doesn’t want to do that. For once he wants to belong.

“Okay,” Neil says softly, “But I’m going to complain the entire time.” 

Dan laughs and wraps an arm around his shoulder to give him a single squeeze before backing away completely. Neil gives her a half-hearted smile and listens as the others start to plan out their activity filled summer. Neil listens and grabs a slice of orange, taking a bite and pretending that _this_ is the future he’s allowed to have. 

*  
Carnivals are loud, crowded, and oddly charming. Neil finds himself enjoying the bright, flashing neon lights, the shouts of joy coming from the rides, and the smell of fried food that’s thick enough to clog his arteries before he’s even taken a bite. 

They split up almost immediately. Allison, Renee, Jean, Jeremy, and Kevin disappear to visit the vendors. Katelyn, Aaron, and Nicky take off to buy tickets for the rides. Dan and Matt keep Neil tucked between them, two forces that somehow manage to shield Neil from the crowd and prying eyes. 

“The best part about Carnivals is the food,” Matt tells him, “You’re going to have to try one of everything.” 

“We’ll also take you to try some Carnival games,” Dan says, “But they’re all rigged. So don’t be surprised if you don’t win.” 

“Why would you play if they’re rigged?” Neil asks, 

“It’s not about winning,” Matt says, “It’s about the game.” 

Dan laughs at him and says, “Oh no it’s about winning and being too stubborn to admit that they’re impossible to win.” 

“Last year, Kevin spent about twenty minutes trying to win one of the game booths,” Matt says, “He spent so much fucking money.” 

“And Andrew just let him,” Dan says, while laughing, “He didn’t even try to help.” 

“Andrew?” Neil asks, because he hasn’t heard them mention that name before. His question goes unanswered because Matt catches sight of a food vendor that’s awash in purple lights. 

“Perfect,” Matt says, “I’ll go grab some fried oreos.” 

“I’ll join you,” Dan says, “Do you want to come with us, Neil?” 

“I’m going to keep walking,” Neil says, because he needs to clear the bubbling feeling in the back of his head, “I’ll meet you back here.” 

“Sounds good, babe,” Dan says. She ruffles his hair and then follows after Matt towards the booth. 

Neil tries to memorize exactly where he is standing so he doesn’t end up getting lost on his way back. He starts off down the dirt path, this time without two buffers to keep him out of range of strangers. 

No one seems to notice or care about his existence. It’s a relief. Spending so much time with this strange group has made Neil feel like he can’t blend into the background any longer. He sticks out like a sore thumb, a new toy for them to poke and prod and tease. He doesn’t _hate_ their attention or easy affections. It’s just new and overwhelming. 

He walks for a while, taking in the sights of food vendors and carnival games. He catches sight of Allison immediately. She’s standing in a booth with an arm wrapped around Renee. He almost makes it past them unnoticed but Jeremy catches sight of him and calls him over. 

“What are you doing by yourself?” Jeremy asks, “Where are Dan and Matt?” 

“Buying some sort of fried food,” Neil says, “Oreos, I think?” 

“Oh, nice,” Allison says, “Those things are going to blow your mind, kid.”

Neil opens his mouth to, once again, tell her to stop calling him that, but is quickly interrupted by Kevin letting out a loud and obnoxious groan.

“Just tell me the secret,” Kevin says. Neil turns to watch him as he leans over the edge of the game booth. There is a large table full of glass bottles set up in front of him, just out of arm’s reach. Across the top of the booth sits stuffed animals and toys that Neil has never seen before. 

“No,” The attendant says, his voice even and bored, “You do this every year. When will you learn?” 

“He’s too stupid to stop himself,” Allison says, “You should know this by now, Andrew.” 

Andrew is instantly recognizable. He’s Aaron’s carbon copy, only his hair is shorter than Aaron’s and is currently disheveled just the right amount to look like he did it on purpose. His attention is currently settled on Kevin but his eyes are bored and unwavering. Kevin lets out a low groan of frustration and grabs a red ring from the bucket in front of him. 

“You’re such a dick,” Kevin says, before trying to toss the ring. It clinks against the bottles and falls straight between two and clatters to the ground. 

“You’re just bad, Kev,” Allison says. 

“He’s not _bad_ ,” Jeremy argues, he saddles up to Kevin’s side and places his hand on Kevin’s waist, “He’s just competitive. It’s not a good mix with games like this.” 

“He’s not going to win,” Jean offers, “Andrew won’t let him.” 

Andrew shrugs and leans back against the counter across from them, watching Kevin as he tries to throw yet another ring that doesn’t connect. 

“God damnit,” Kevin says. 

“Neil,” Renee says softly, “Have you ever tried this before?” 

All eyes immediately bounce over to him. Neil squirms under their gaze. He shakes his head and shrugs. 

“What is it?” Neil asks. Kevin slips out of Jeremy’s arm and goes straight to Neil, tugging on his upper arm and placing him at the counter in front of the rows of bottles. Neil swallows against the lump in his throat when he sees Andrew watching him with boredom. 

Kevin stays against Neil’s back and Neil tries not to squirm from discomfort at the casual touch. 

“You take this,” Kevin says, picking up a red ring and showing it to Neil, “And toss them at the bottles. If you land one on the neck of the bottle you win.” 

“Maybe _you_ should be the one working the booth,” Allison jokes, “You’re a lot friendlier than, Minyard.” 

“Just throw the damn ring, Day,” Andrew says, “You’re wasting my time.” 

Kevin tosses the ring over Neil’s shoulder and Neil watches as it clatters against the neck of a bottle before slipping off and falling to the ground. Kevin pulls away so he can dramatically throw himself onto the counter of the booth. 

“Can’t you work at one of the easier game booths?” He asks Andrew, “Like the water gun booth or the basketball booth?” 

Andrew seems completely unaffected by Kevin’s complaints. He continues to lean against the counter and looks over the chipped paint on his fingernails like it’s the most interesting thing in the world. 

“Why would I make your life easy?” Andrew asks.

“What he really means is that he can’t be trusted with the more popular booths,” Jeremy jokes, “They don’t want him near too many customers.” 

“They should have fired me when they had the chance,” Andrew replies. He stands up from the counter and walks over to Neil, stopping when he is right in front of him. He looks Neil over and then picks up one of the red rings and holds it out in a silent offering. 

Neil looks to the ring and then back up to Andrew’s face. He isn’t sure what he’s supposed to make of this situation. Andrew watches him with bored apathy but there is something assessing in his eyes as he looks over the visible scarring across Neil’s face. Neil tries not to let it bother him. People stare at his scars all the time, but for some reason Andrew’s lack of reaction sets a low fire burning in the pit of his stomach. 

“Are you going to take a turn?” Andrew asks him. Neil tears his gaze away from Andrew’s in order to eye the red ring in his hand. The paint on his nails is black and chipping. It matches the black shirt he has over his carnival uniform. The only spot of color visible on Andrew is the collar of the uniform shirt peeking through the black fabric. It’s red and contrasts with the lights reflecting off Andrew’s blonde hair. 

Neil hesitates for a moment and then takes the ring. He looks at Kevin, whose face is twisted in amusement before asking, “How do I do this?” 

“You throw it,” Andrew says, “It isn’t brain surgery.” 

Neil shoots Andrew a hard look. “Dan says these games are rigged. Why should I even bother trying if I’m just going to lose?” 

Andrew seems to contemplate Neil’s words for a moment, his gaze feels heavy and overwhelming. Neil doesn’t look away, not willing to give ground when Andrew is being so confrontational. 

“How about this,” Andrew starts. He leans against the counter beside Neil, close enough that Neil can smell something minty on him before he says, “If you can land one ring I will tell you the secret to winning the game.” 

Allison and Jeremy both make ‘oohing’ noises at the challenge. Kevin sputters indignantly before saying, “Why haven’t you offered to teach me?” 

Andrew gives Kevin a cool look before immediately casting his eyes back onto Neil. It’s too bad that Neil is just as stubborn as Kevin, he thinks that it would be more satisfying to throw the ring at Andrew’s head and walk away. How anyone let him run a game booth was beyond Neil’s comprehension.

“Fine,” Neil says, “Whatever.” 

Andrew gives him something close to a smirk before motioning towards the bottles in front of him.

“Be my guest,” He says and it sounds like a challenge. Neil has always enjoyed a good challenge. 

He tosses the ring and it misses completely. Neil tilts his head and tries to figure out what he did wrong. Andrew makes no move to correct him, just leans against the counter and watches him with amusement in his eyes. 

“It’s not going to happen,” Neil says, “The game is made to lose.” 

“No,” Andrew says, “Try again.” 

Neil sighs and picks up another red ring from the bucket in front of him. He tests the weight in his hand and then gives it a quick underhand toss. It knocks against one of the bottles and then slips loose, falling to the ground. Neil sighs. 

“What’s the secret?” Neil asks, giving in almost immediately.

Andrew tsks at him and says, “That wasn’t part of the deal.” 

Neil scowls. “We didn’t have a deal. It was more like a bet.” 

“And you’re losing,” Andrew replies, “Any other pointless complaints?” 

“Yeah,” Neil says, “You’re an asshole.” 

“Original,” Andrew says before nodding towards the game, “Try again.” 

Neil furrows his eyebrows in annoyance but shuts up. He grabs another ring and tosses it with more vigor this time. It hits one of the bottles in the neck and then bounces off of another. It almost stops moving but immediately slips through the cracks. 

“Three left,” Andrew comments, looking over at Neil’s bucket, “Want to give up?” 

Neil scowls at him and picks up another ring. He tosses it into the air and once again misses. 

“Two,” Andrew says, his voice low but light as if he’s teasing him, “Think you can make it happen?” 

“Probably not,” Neil grits out, “But you’re not surprised by this.” 

Andrew’s lip twitches upwards but quickly goes back to an easy straight line. Neil rolls his eyes and grabs the second to last ring. He throws it at the bottles and watches as it snags on a neck before bouncing off and falling to the floor. 

“Fuck,” Neil whispers. Allison lets out a laugh from behind him. 

“You’re so close,” Jeremy says, “You can do it!” 

“Don’t patronize him,” Andrew says shortly. Neil gives him a surprised look but finds that Andrew has already turned away from Neil. 

“Last chance,” Andrew says, looking out over the bottles. Neil sighs and lifts the last ring from the bucket. Everyone is deathly quiet as he contemplates how he wants to throw.

It probably won’t matter either way. He won’t get this ring on one of those bottles and normally he would have given up on the foolish pursuit as soon as he realized that it was meaningless. Yet there is something about the way Andrew challenged him that pisses Neil off just enough to want to try again. It had the same effect on Kevin. Neil isn’t surprised the tactic worked on him. 

Neil tosses the ring and it lands on a neck before bouncing and falling to the floor. 

“Better luck next time,” Andrew says, giving Neil a satisfied look that says _I won_. Neil wants to say, _of course you won this is your rigged game_ but only sends Andrew a firm glare.

“Aww!” Jeremy says, “I bet you’ll get it next time.” 

“Doubt it,” Allison adds, “Oh, I see Matt and Dan! Let’s go! I want food!” 

Allison grabs Jeremy by the arm and drags him and Renee away. Kevin stands up straight and sighs, patting Neil on the shoulder in passing. 

“See you later, Andrew,” Kevin says. 

Neil turns to join them but stops when he catches sight of Andrew picking up one of the tossing rings. He doesn’t look at Neil, just leans his back against the counter, flicks his wrist several times and then tosses the ring like a frisbee. They both watch as it lands on one of the necks, slipping down and taking hold of the bottle. Andrew turns to look at Neil and waits for a reaction.

“I didn’t win?” Neil asks, confused. 

Andrew shrugs and grabs the empty bucket off the counter before turning away. Neil wants to ask why he did that even though Neil lost, but he stays silent, especially when Andrew flicks him a bored look and says, “You’re still here?” 

Neil frowns at him and says, “You’re a real asshole.” 

Andrew’s lips quirk ever so slightly upwards, “You said that already.” 

Neil scoffs and turns on his heel and walks away, not bothering to dignify Andrew with a response. He catches up with the others rather quickly. They managed to find two empty picnic tables to spread out across. Katelyn, Aaron, and Nicky have reappeared with enough ride tickets for all of them. 

“I heard that Andrew challenged you,” Dan says, she moves aside for him to fill the spot between her and Matt, “I’m surprised you didn’t throw a ring at his face.” 

“It was really tempting,” Neil admits, which wins him a laugh from both Matt and Dan. “How does he even have a job here? He’s sort of-” 

“A dick?” Dan says at the same time Matt says, “An asshole?” 

“Are we talking about, Andrew?” Nicky cuts in, taking the seat across from them. 

“Yes,” Dan says, “He gave Neil some shit at the ring toss booth.” 

Nicky looks sad for a moment and then sighs. “Sorry about him,” Nicky says, “He doesn’t have a lot of people skills.” 

For some reason Neil feels a pang of annoyance at the words. He wasn’t usually one to defend someone, especially when they _were_ in fact kind of an asshole, but some weird feeling accumulates in Neil’s stomach. He tries to hide it by shrugging and adjusting his position on the bench. 

“It’s fine,” Neil says, “I’ll get him next time.” 

Nicky smiles and drops the subject. 

“Here,” Dan says, she grabs a small white paper basket filled with what he assumes are the fried oreos. “They’re really good.” 

He takes one out of the container and pops it into his mouth. He immediately makes a face because _oh my god_ it’s so _sweet_.

Dan laughs at his reaction and pats him on the back gently. 

“Too much?” 

Neil chews and swallows and finds that they’re not too bad.

“It’s so sweet,” Neil confesses, “I don’t know what I was expecting.”

“You know what you would like?” Allison calls from the other table, she’s leaning heavily on Jeremy’s side and smiling in Neil’s direction, “Dipped Apples.” 

“What?” Neil asks, confused. 

“You’ve never had a chocolate covered apple?” Matt asks. When Neil shakes his head Matt says, “My god. You really were sheltered as a child.” 

Sheltered isn’t the right word for what he was as a child but Neil doesn’t correct him.

“We’ll get you some chocolate covered apples, buddy,” Matt says, pretending to hold back tears, “Don’t you worry. We’re going to make sure you experience everything summer has to offer.” 

Neil rolls his eyes but he can’t stop a small smile from spreading across his face. The strange giddy feeling in his chest feels like a small brush fire. If he isn’t careful it’s likely to burn straight through him until he forgets why he has to inevitably leave come September. He really hopes that this strange group of friends don’t give him a reason to stay.

*

The next plan that Dan has set into motion is a drive-in movie. Neil has never heard of them before so they explain it to him and try really hard not to sound sad about his lack of understanding. Apparently it’s a standard tradition in the area to host drive-in movie nights throughout the summer. Everyone will pull up in their cars, sit out across the empty plot of land on the far end of town, and just sit out while the movie projects onto a big screen in front of them. Dan insists that it is less about the movie and more about the experience. Katelyn loves them, which is why they go every year. 

Neil has to awkwardly tell Stuart where he is going when he leaves right before dinner. Matt was on his way to pick him up and Neil didn’t want to have Stuart meet him. It would be far too awkward for his liking, two worlds colliding that Neil wasn’t prepared for. 

“You’re really going out with friends?” Stuart had asked, completely surprised. Neil wanted to say that they weren’t really his friends, but he stopped himself and just shrugged. Matt showed up less than ten minutes later, so Neil had an excuse to avoid answering more questions and left the house in a rush. 

Drive-in movies have a certain energy to them that Neil doesn’t mind. The lot was already jam packed with cars when they arrived in Matt’s pick up truck. He backs into a spot between a sleek black car and a pink jeep before getting out and walking to the back of the car. 

Neil follows him out only to find that the rest of their group has already arrived. Dan makes a beeline straight to Matt and pulls him into a hug, kissing him soundly before pulling away and going to Neil. 

“Are you excited?” She asks, “Drive-in movies are the best.”

“Yeah,” Neil says dumbly. He lets Dan pull him around the truck and over to where the group is now pulling lawn chairs from the bed of Matt’s truck. 

“I brought snacks!” Katelyn announces happily. She bounces over to them with two bags hanging from her arms. “They have really good popcorn at the stands over there so I didn’t bring any.” 

She hands off one of the bags to Dan and gives Neil a big smile before bouncing away again to find Aaron. Matt opens the last lawnchair and places it behind his truck. He pulls out blankets and pillows and discards them onto the ground. Slowly the group settles into their spots. Allison, Renee, and Jean are laying over a pile of blankets on the grass. Allison is braiding a few strands of Rene’s rainbow dyed hair and Jean is watching her quick fingers move with curious eyes. 

Aaron is in one of the lawnchairs with Katelyn perched on his lap. Kevin is next to them and they’re quietly arguing about something that Neil doesn’t really care to listen in on. Jeremy is sitting with Dan and Matt on the bed of Matt’s truck with Nicky standing by the tailgate talking to them. Neil shuffles awkwardly and can’t figure out what to do with himself. He decides to just sit on the grass next to the piles of blankets and just wait for something to happen. 

The sounds of cicadas are like a thick lullaby that could put Neil straight to sleep. The night before had been difficult, long and endless nightmares filled with his father’s blue eyes and the sounds of his mother screaming. Neil tries to push the thoughts away and rubs the listless feeling from his eyes with the palms of his hands. 

“Andrew!” Nicky calls out. Neil turns to watch as Andrew casually walks over to them. He’s dressed in all black and sporting a pair of black armbands. Neil has no idea how he can be comfortable in such dark clothing in the dead of summer. The sun was starting to set, but there was still a thick muggy feeling in the air around them.

“You actually came!” Katelyn coos from her spot on Aaron’s lap. Andrew shoots her an unimpressed look but still reaches out to bump his fist against hers in passing. Katelyn looks incredibly proud of herself at the gesture. Aaron and Andrew nod at each other awkwardly and then go their separate ways. 

“Aren’t you working tonight?” Nicky asks. Andrew stops by the tailgate and grabs a beer from the large pack that Matt had brought with him. He shrugs casually and uses the edge of his shirt to pop the bottle open.

“Carnival and bar are both closed,” Andrew says, “It’s Sunday.” 

Nicky hums and ruffles the hair on Andrew’s head before saying, “I’m so glad you could make it.” 

Andrew pushes his arm away and turns to look over their small group. He catches sight of Neil almost immediately and walks over.

“So,” Andrew says, stopping when he is right in front of Neil, “Who are you?” 

“How inviting,” Allison says from her spot on the ground, “You have to be nice to Neil. He’s a baby.” 

Neil scowls at her and says, “I’m not a baby.” 

“Could have fooled me,” Allison says. 

Andrew scowls at them. “I asked a question.” 

“Neil,” Neil says, “My name is Neil.” 

“I already knew that, dumbass,” Andrew says.

“Then why are you asking who I am?”

“Because I don’t know you.” 

“You know my name.” 

“Is that enough to know someone?” 

Neil scowls at him and Allison bursts out in a fit of laughter behind him. He turns to watch as she sits up and covers her mouth with her hand. 

“Sorry,” She says, waving them off, “It’s just really funny watching someone give Andrew an attitude.” 

“It is rare,” Renee comments with a sweet smile, “I think you’ve met your match, Andrew.”

“Hardly,” Andrew replies dryly, but he gives Neil a strange look that sets another fire in the pit of Neil’s stomach. It probably isn’t normal to react that way to someone he just met. Neil pushes the feeling down and decides to try and unpack the strange sensation later.

“We’re going to get popcorn,” Katelyn announces, standing from Aaron’s lap and dragging him up with her, “Anyone want anything?” 

“No thanks, babe,” Allison says. She lays back down to curl around Renee, her arm sticking over Renee’s waist and landing on Jean’s stomach.

Katelyn smiles and drags Aaron past them, heading towards the concession stands. Neil watches them go and then sighs, looking back over to see that Andrew is still watching him.

“Are you going to sit or are you going to stand there all night?” Neil asks. Andrew scowls but starts moving, going to grab a blanket from the pile by the car and then coming back, laying the blanket out under him before sitting down. 

“Are you always so rude?” Neil asks, “Or am I special?” 

“You’re not special,” Andrew chides, “I’m sure there is nothing special about you.” 

Neil tries not to let the words bother him too much but they cut deeper than Andrew probably intended them to. He takes in a deep breath and looks away. 

“You’re right,” Neil says, “I’m nothing.” 

Andrew doesn’t reply. They sit in silence while the rest of the group rearranges themselves for the start of the movie. Kevin and Jeremy join Allison, Renee, and Jean’s dog pile. They fit together like jenga pieces, all long limbs and twisted legs. Not for the first time Neil wonders what type of relationship they have with each other, but doesn’t try and pry too much. He doesn’t think friends are so eager to touch so intimately, but he also hasn’t ever really had friends before. Maybe he’s just out of the loop.

Katelyn and Aaron come back with boxes full of bags of popcorn. They hand the bags out and then sit down on the lawn chairs. The movie starts rolling, a soft grainy image against the white screen in front of them. 

Neil settles into the blankets around him, curling into himself and ignoring the fact that he is close enough to Andrew to feel his body heat. 

Everything is absolutely fine for the first twenty minutes of the movie, but then it is very clearly not fine all over again. He didn’t realize that it was a slasher film. The main character watches her brother get stabbed and then cut open and Neil sees a flash of a blood drenched knife, feels hands grabbing him and holding him down, feels handcuffs linking around his wrists. He convulses without meaning to and starts to shake. He squeezes his arms to stop the tremors, hoping that no one will notice, but it isn’t working. His skin feels ten times too tight, his body urging him to get up and run. 

Something hits the side of Neil’s head and he immediately whips his head around, his body ready for a fight. What he finds is Andrew staring at him intently, his eyes dark, and a handful of popcorn in his left hand and his right raised as if he had just thrown something at him. 

Neil reaches out and plucks the discarded popcorn from his shoulder and scowls at Andrew. They stare at each other for several tense seconds, the rest of the group oblivious to their strange exchange. Andrew grabs another popcorn and chucks it at Neil’s head. 

“Why?” Neil asks under his breath because he can’t seem to make his voice work and he really doesn’t want anyone to notice his panic. 

Andrew shrugs and then gracelessly throws the rest of the popcorn in Neil’s direction. Neil sputters and pushes the stray popcorn away. He gives Andrew a hard glare but is seamlessly ignored. Andrew stands up and gestures to the now empty bag at his feet. 

“I need more,” He says. He starts to walk off and Neil finally realizes exactly what is happening. He stands up from his spot and follows after Andrew, leaving behind their group and the movie that reminded him far too much of his time in his father’s clutches. 

They walk past the concession stand until they are far enough away that they won’t draw any unwanted attention. Andrew pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one for himself. He gestures the pack at Neil but he shakes his head as a clear no. 

“So,” Andrew starts, “What’s your problem?” 

“Excuse me?” Neil asks, confused by the brash tone. 

Andrew gives him a bored look and then gestures back towards the movie. Another character is being ruthlessly murdered on screen. Neil flinches and looks away.

“Nothing,” Neil says quickly. He hopes that Andrew will accept this answer and move on. 

“Doesn’t seem like nothing,” Andrew says, “Looks like a panic attack.” 

“It’s not,” Neil says, “I’m fine.” 

“You’re anything but,” Andrew retorts. He takes a drag and lets the menthol smoke blow in Neil’s direction, “I’ll figure you out.” 

“I’m not a math problem,” Neil says. 

“No you’re not,” Andrew replies, “You’re like a fossil covered in layers of issues.”

“Does that make you a paleontologist?” Neil asks. 

“That would suggest you’re interesting enough to be a dinosaur,” Andrew retorts, “You’re more like a rabbit. Ready to run at any moment but stuck in layers of dirt.” 

Neil shakes his head and looks away. He can’t see their little group from here but he can almost imagine the sight of them, curled up together and enjoying the movie for what it was. Never having to think twice about the sight of knives or the blood. Neil wishes he could be more like them. Ignore the rampant anxiety in his chest that restricts and restricts until he feels like he can’t breathe properly. 

“I have another proposal for you,” Andrew says. Neil turns his attention back to him only to find that Andrew’s hazel eyes are already watching him. 

“Like our bet at the carnival?” Neil asks, “You didn’t exactly follow through. If I remember correctly you told me the secret to winning even though I lost.” 

Andrew shrugs like it doesn’t mean anything. Maybe it doesn’t.

“A different kind of proposal,” Andrew says, “You tell me a truth and I’ll give you one in return.” 

“Why?” Neil asks.

“I just told you that I’m going to figure you out,” Andrew says, “If this is how I have to do it, then I will.” 

Neil wonders if it would be worth it to drop some of his secrets, which aren’t really secrets, onto someone. He won’t be here at the end of the year. By September Neil will be gone and this group of strangers will have nothing but a vague memory of Neil to keep them company. 

Maybe it’s okay to leave them with something. Even if it’s just Andrew who gets to hear it. Something tells Neil that he wouldn’t reveal his secrets to the others. He doesn’t have any reason, and Neil is sure that Andrew only does something if it benefits him. 

“Okay,” Neil says quietly, “I don’t like knives.” 

It’s as simple as that. Just one sentence. Just one admission and suddenly Andrew knows a part of Neil that no one else does. A part of him that he wasn’t sure he wanted to share.

Andrew takes a drag of his cigarette and watches Neil quietly for a moment. The smell reminds Neil of his mother but for once it isn’t a painful memory, just a lingering thought in the back of his head. Andrew holds his attention right now, tethering him to the present. 

“I don’t like heights,” Andrew says, “That wasn’t so hard was it?” 

Neil wants to laugh because no, it wasn’t so hard after all. Instead he bites down on his lower lip to keep his expression in check and shrugs like it didn’t mean anything. Andrew must see right through him because his lips quirk upwards into an almost smile. For some reason it feels better than Neil winning a prize at one of the carnival booths. 

Andrew takes one last drag of his cigarette before dropping it to the ground and snuffing it out with the toe of his shoe. 

“Do you think you can sit through the rest?” Andrew asks. Neil is surprised by the question but a part of him really isn’t. He nods and Andrew nods back. 

“Great. Now get popcorn. I wasted all of mine,” Andrew says. He starts walking off and Neil lets him go. He heads to the concession stand and pulls out some cash to give to the attendant before taking the popcorn and heading back. 

They’ve adjusted positions again, now all of them are laid out on the blankets behind the truck, none of them are watching the movie, instead they’re whispering and joking with each other. Renee sees Neil coming and smiles, reaching out a hand and gesturing for him to join them. Neil leaves the bag of popcorn on the tailgate before settling into the pile of soft blankets between Renee and Kevin. Andrew is off on his own, sitting by himself in one of the lawn chairs.

He lets out a breath and lays back, letting the small group fill his head with meaningless stories and easy laughs. The movie is completely forgotten. He doesn’t think he catches even another second of the show before it’s over and the credits are rolling. 

Matt gives him a ride home and when they pull up to Stuart’s house Neil hesitates with his hand on the door handle. Matt gives him a significant look before turning in his seat to face Neil. 

“You know if something is bothering you, you can tell us, right?” Matt asks.

“Yeah,” Neil says awkwardly. 

“I just want you to be comfortable with us,” Matt says, “We look after each other. We’re not going to force you into anything.” 

Neil wonders if Andrew mentioned anything to them when he went back to join the group before Neil. He feels a spike of anger at the thought. Andrew didn’t have the right to out his secrets like that.

“You were really stiff and uncomfortable during the movie,” Matt explains, “Only Andrew noticed. We figured it out when you and Andrew went off to get popcorn.” 

Neil exhales a breath of relief. Realizing that Andrew really hadn’t told them about his panic attack. For some reason the thought of Andrew betraying his trust made something sickly settle in the pit of his stomach. It immediately starts to dissipate when Matt corrects him. 

“We just want to be your friend,” Matt says, “You don’t have to explain yourself. You can just tell us when you’re uncomfortable and we can make the situation better for you.” 

Neil stays quiet for a moment and then nods his understanding. No one has ever given Neil that chance before. He usually sucked up any and all fears and kept them bottled inside so that his mother wouldn’t yell at him for being so obvious about his distress. This is what acceptance and belonging must feel like, he realizes, it’s something he’s never had before but he’s hungry for it. 

“Thanks,” Neil says quietly, “I’ll keep that in mind.” 

Matt nods in understanding. 

“Hope you had fun tonight,” He says, “We’re enjoying sharing these experiences with you.” 

Neil gives him a half smile and gets out of the car, waving goodbye as he walks back into Stuart’s house. Stuart doesn’t ask him how it went, he takes one look at Neil and smiles. Neil ignores him in favor of jugging up the stairs to his bedroom.

*  
Stuart corners him in the kitchen. Neil should have seen it coming, Stuart has been giving him significant looks all week. Sometimes Neil will let it slip that he’s going off to see someone in the group. Yesterday he went with Renee and Allison for coffee and the day before that he had gone with Matt to some superstore so he could buy supplies for an upcoming fishing trip. Stuart was bound to bring it up eventually.

“So you’ve made some friends,” Stuart says. 

“I guess,” Neil says, “It’s nothing really.” 

“Really?” Stuart asks, but he looks smug and proud of himself. Neil frowns and turns to give him his full attention. 

“Why?” Neil asks, “What’s wrong with that?” 

“Nothing!” Stuart says quickly, “I’m glad you’re settling in here. Who knows, you might decide to stay.” 

“I won’t,” Neil says with determination. He may have given himself the chance to feel like he belonged here, but he wasn’t planning on staying. Staying somewhere for too long turned him into a sitting duck. If he stayed he was just _asking_ his father’s men to come get him. “Stop saying that.” 

“I just think-”

“No,” Neil says firmly, “Stop thinking. I’m not staying here. I told you from the beginning that I was going to leave. Why would I stay just because I have some people to hang out with every once in a while?” 

Stuart looks stricken with grief and as the words tumble out of Neil’s mouth he quickly realizes that he made a huge mistake saying anything at all. 

“I’m keeping up with my end of the deal,” Neil says, “I will stay until August but as soon as the month is over I’m leaving. I can’t stay.” 

“Neil-” Stuart starts but Neil brushes him off and stalks out of the kitchen and up the stairs. As soon as he is in his room he’s slamming the door shut and kicking the dresser with enough force to bruise his toes.

It’s stupid, he’s stupid. He can’t stay here. He can’t get attached and he has managed to start to do just that. He wants to get to know the others better. He wants to see one of Matt’s boxing matches or go for a ride with Allison by the beach in her convertible. He wants to finish the list of summer activities that Dan put together for him. He wants, he wants, he wants. It’s painful. He’s never had the chance to _just take_ anything that he wanted. He supposes that this is a real chance. It’s too bad he can’t keep it. 

There isn’t anything Neil can do about it now. He has until August to make the most of it. He pulls up the sheets on his bed and curls into a ball under the covers. 

He must fall asleep because when he wakes up his phone is buzzing against the side of his head and the house is quiet. Neil sits up and grabs his phone, checking over to see that he has two missed calls from an unknown number. His hands start shaking and the world spins and tilts the wrong direction. 

Before his thoughts can go sour a text message from the unknown number pops up and sends Neil into a state of complete shock. He looks over the message and tries to will away the fear that’s gripping his chest like a vice. 

_Matt sent me to get you_

Neil tries to figure out which of the group he hasn’t exchanged numbers with. He takes too long to figure it out because a second message pops up and nearly scares him out of his skin. 

_It’s Andrew. Idiot_

Neil lets out a sigh of relief and unlocks his phone so he can send Andrew a text. When the message sends he jumps out of bed and pulls off his sweat drenched clothes and changes. When he’s clean and feeling less sticky and groggy, he rushes down the stairs and to the front door. 

“Someone’s here,” Stuart says casually from where he is standing in the doorway to the kitchen. Neil shoots him a dirty look and pulls the door open. 

“Don’t wait up,” Neil says.

“Have fun!” Stuart calls out. Neil slams the door as loud as he can just to show Stuart that he is still pissed off.

Andrew’s car is a sleek black beast that’s idling at the curb of their driveway. He’s standing outside, his phone in one hand and a cigarette in the other. He doesn’t bother to look up at Neil as he walks down the front walk to the driveway. He keeps texting and smoking until Neil is standing right in front of him. 

“Hi,” Neil says dumbly, “Where’s Matt?” 

“Getting the girls,” Andrew replies. He finishes sending his message and then pockets his phone. He looks Neil over with a considerate eye and says, “You need better clothes.” 

Neil looks down at his outfit in confusion. It’s the type of clothing that helps him blend in with the crowd. A gray t-shirt and a pair of slightly ripped dark jeans. He looks up at Andrew with a furrowed brow.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Neil asks, “They’re just clothes.” 

“They’re two sizes too big,” Andrew points out. He drops his cigarette and crushes it under his shoe before stepping forward. He reaches out and hooks a finger in the collar of Neil’s t-shirt. Neil tries to repress his shiver as Andrew’s finger rides around to the back of the shirt, fingering the clothing tag and pulling it out so he can look at the size. 

“Wow,” Andrew says, “You really are an idiot.” 

“Did you come here to make fun of me or to give me a ride?” Neil asks. Andrew rolls his eyes and releases his shirt, stepping away from Neil and taking the overwhelming scent of mint and cigarette smoke with him. 

“Get in,” Andrew says, “Your friends will assume the worst if we take much longer.” 

Neil can’t stop himself from going still at the words. He gives Andrew a hard look and says, “They aren’t my friends.” 

Andrew looks taken aback for a second before he schools his expression.

“Explain.” 

“No,” Neil says, “They’re not my friends. If anything they’re your friends.” 

“They like you more than me,” Andrew says, “Denial doesn’t suit you.” 

“You don’t know me,” Neil retorts, “I’m leaving at the end of August. We can’t be friends.” 

“My heart bleeds for you,” Andrew says shortly, he starts walking around to the driver’s side door before saying, “Get in the car.” 

He gets in and shuts the door with more force than necessary. Neil lets out a breath and gets in after him. 

“I’m serious,” Neil says, as soon as the door is shut and Andrew is starting the car, “I can’t be their friend.” 

“It’s a bit too late for that, don’t you think?” Andrew spares him a glance before he looks away so he can start driving. 

“What does that mean?” Neil asks. His skin feels prickly and his mind is racing at a terrifying velocity.

“It _means,_ ” Andrew pronounces, talking as if he is trying to explain something to a child, “That they already consider you one of their friends.”

“I can’t,” Neil says shortly, “I can’t be their friend.” 

“You said that already. What’s the big deal?” 

Andrew doesn’t get it. Neil _can’t_ be friends with them. They _can’t_ give him a reason to stay. His mother had been right to warn him off of getting too attached. He knows now why it’s so dangerous. 

“You don’t understand,” Neil says. He twists in his seat so he can stare out the window of his door. The world seems to race past him, everything blurring together. 

“Then explain or shut up,” Andrew retorts, his voice hard, “Those are your only options.” 

Neil grips the edge of his shirt and twists it around his fingers. 

“When I leave,” Neil says, “I won’t ever come back.” 

The car goes quiet. Only the soft hum of the engine fills the space between them. Neil sucks in a breath, the minty smell that always comes off of Andrew seems to settle him to the present. 

“So it’s guilt?” Andrew asks, “Do you feel bad that you’ll be leaving them behind?” 

“It’s not fair to them,” Neil says. A silent _it isn’t fair to me_ lingers but Neil refuses to acknowledge it. 

“Sounds like a shitty excuse,” Andrew says, “Why don’t you let them decide what they think is fair? If they want to get too attached and then watch you leave then let them.” 

Neil doesn’t have anything else to say so he stays silent for the rest of the car ride. Andrew is probably right in some capacity. It isn’t Neil’s decision to make for them. If they want to be his friend, well, he doesn’t really know what to do with that. He could _try_ but deep down he knows that it would probably hurt him more when he leaves then it will hurt them. 

Tonight they are heading out to a concert at the park in the center of town. The very park where Neil ran straight into Matt’s basketball. The entire center of town is blocked off and people are wandering around the park and through the streets to local stores. Andrew parks behind a church in a spot that clearly says _no parking_ , but he doesn’t seem to give a shit. He parks the car and turns off the engine but doesn’t get out right away. 

“No one is forcing you into anything,” Andrew says, turning to look at Neil, “If someone is then you come to me and I will take care of it. Other than that, you have a choice. You can let the others hang all over you and take care of you and force you out on these stupid excursions or you can go back to your Uncle’s house and hide until the summer is over. It’s up to you.” 

Neil bites into his bottom lip hard enough to break the skin. 

“Okay,” Neil says. He pauses for a moment and then asks, “Don’t you want to know?” 

“Know what?” 

“Why I have to leave,” Neil clarifies.

Andrew is quiet. He watches Neil with an intensity that he can’t place. 

“No,” Andrew finally says, “You’ll tell me when you’re ready.” 

Neil nods shortly. Andrew gets out and slams the driver’s side door hard enough to rock the car. Neil rolls his eyes and follows him out. 

The walk to the park is short and Neil can see the crowd growing as they get closer. There is a portable stage set up in front of the basketball court. It’s covered in band equipment and banners showing off the local sponsors for the concert. Various food trucks are parked across the green and lining the street. Neil is so lost in the sights of the crowd, people laughing and kids running around tossing Frisbees, that he nearly loses Andrew in the chaos. 

A hand grabs the sleeve of his shirt and Neil turns to find Andrew glaring daggers at him. He gives Neil a firm tug and forces him to walk in the opposite direction of where his body had been taking him. 

It’s easy to catch sight of their small group from a distance. Renee’s rainbow hair stands out amongst the crowd and today it seems that Jeremy, Jean, and Kevin are all sporting the same obnoxiously vibrant tie-dye t-shirt. Neil immediately snorts at the sight of it and Andrew gives him an amused look before walking off in their direction. 

“Neil! Andrew!” Katelyn calls, she bounces up and down to get their attention and waves them over. She has a pair of pink heart shaped sunglasses perched on the end of her nose. Everyone is dressed in the brightest clothing they could manage to find. Neil and Andrew are the odd ones out. Andrew in black and Neil in gray. 

“Hi, baby blue,” Allison says, as soon as Neil and Andrew are within range, “You look so sad in all gray, baby.” She stands up and walks over, fluffing up Neil’s hair. She immediately reaches to the back of his shirt and checks the tag just as Andrew did. 

“Wow,” She says, “We need to go shopping. Like ASAP.” 

Neil groans. “I don’t need to go shopping. My clothes are fine.” 

“I can’t believe you let him leave the house like this,” Allison scolds, shooting Andrew a look, “How _dare_ you.” 

Andrew shrugs and walks straight over to the red cooler. He pulls out a beer and nudges Kevin’s thigh with his foot so he’ll move over. 

“I agree with Allison,” Dan says, from her spot on the blanket, “You need a new wardrobe. We can’t have you wearing the same gray shirt over and over.” 

“It’s not the same shirt,” Neil complains quietly, “I have a few of them.”

“Somehow that’s worse,” Allison replies. She walks over to Kevin and snaps her fingers at him. He looks up at her with a confused face causing Allison to sigh and lean over, grabbing the hem of his shirt and yanking it over his head. 

Kevin makes a squawking sound and reaches for his shirt but Allison snatches it out of his reach. Jeremy lets out a low whistle at the sight of a shirtless Kevin, which causes Katelyn to burst out into a fit of giggles. 

“You can’t just take my clothes off in public, Allison,” Kevin complains, he leans back on his hands and stretches, giving everyone a show. 

“Mm,” Jeremy hums, leaning on his side and looking Kevin over, “She probably shouldn’t but boy are we glad she did.” 

Jean swats at Jeremy’s arm but is smiling and blushing a faint red color. Neil looks away from them and watches Allison thrust the offensively bright colored shirt in his direction. 

“Change,” Allison commands. 

Neil takes the soft shirt into his hands and clutches the fabric tighter than he should. 

“I- um,” He starts awkwardly, “I don’t want to just-”

“It’s fine, babes,” Allison says, “Kevin is already half naked. No need to be embarrassed.” 

Neil knows better than to argue but he also knows better than to rip his shirt off in front of them, especially not in public. His scars are ugly marks across his entire front, side, and back. He doesn’t want to have to have that conversation with them. Not now, not ever.

He pulls the shirt on over his clothing and Allison sighs deeply. 

“You’re going to be hot,” She warns. Neil shrugs and then struggles for a second as he slips out of his gray shirt and pulls it over his head, never revealing an inch of skin. 

“Good boy,” Allison praises. She pats down the messy curls on Neil’s head and then turns away to go sit next to Renee. 

“Want something to drink?” Nicky asks, waving at the cooler. Neil shakes his head and sits down on the edge of the blanket. Close enough to be in the loop but not close enough to touch. 

The band starts playing on stage and the crowd lets out a chorus of excitement. Neil leans back on his hands and watches as Katelyn grabs Allison and Renee to drag them off to dance. The entire park feels alive and electric. People swarm to the front of the stage. Neil can’t help but watch as parents hold their kids up on their shoulders so they can watch the band. 

A warm feeling settles in Neil’s chest and a small wistful smile finds its way to his lips. Katelyn has Renee and Allison in each hand and is twirling them around like marionettes. Neil watches how Allison throws her head back and laughs when Katelyn trips on her own feet. 

In another life he thinks that he could grow to love all of them. In this one he’s just too broken to try and make that commitment to anything. 

Dan gets up and grabs a beer before coming over and falling into the spot next to Neil. 

“Alright,” She says, pulling her phone out and opening up the notes document with Neil’s adventures listed on them, “We have completed a carnival trip, drive in movie, and summer concert.” She hums and taps her chin with her finger. Matt perks up and lays across the blanket so his head is next to Dan’s feet. 

“And?” Matt asks, “What’s next?” 

“Well,” Dan says, “June is ending in a few days so maybe we can have a bonfire to celebrate the official start of summer.” 

“Oh a bonfire,” Matt says dreamily, “Those are always fun. Kevin usually gets so drunk that he ends up naked by the end of the night.” 

Kevin lets out a pained noise and says, “That was one time!” 

“Twice actually,” Jean adds. Kevin blushes an angry red color, causing Jean to lean over and press a light kiss to his cheek. His face manages to turn even more red at the action. 

“What do you think, Neil?” Dan asks, “Beach day or bonfire?” 

“Bonfire on the beach?” Matt offers before Neil can answer, “Two birds one stone?” 

Dan hums and looks to Neil for an answer. 

“Sure,” Neil says softly, shrugging, “Sounds good.” 

Dan smiles wide and reaches out to pinch Neil’s cheek between her finger and thumb. He swats her hand away half-heartedly and relishes in the sound of her laugh. 

“Sounds good,” She says, “Beach bonfire it is.” 

“Can we go skinny dipping at this beach bonfire?” Nicky asks, he shuffles across the blanket so he can get closer, “I think we need some skinny dipping in our lives.” 

Dan laughs and says, “If you want to be eaten alive by mosquitos be my guest.” 

“Any mosquito would be honored to bite my ass,” Nicky says. Dan laughs at him and yells _gross!_ Which only serves to make Nicky look more smug and proud of himself for the off handed comment. 

“We can save skinny dipping for a night at Allison’s pool,” Dan offers, “Less public, you know?” 

Nicky nods his approval, “Good. Good. I like that plan.” 

Dan lists off some things she has planned for them for July, including a barbeque at her and Matt’s place on the fourth. 

“We’re not celebrating independence day,” She says quickly, “We are simply having a barbeque and inviting our friends over.” 

“And then we set off fireworks,” Matt adds, “My mom always brings the really good illegal ones over.” 

“You’ll come, won’t you?” Dan asks, “Or do you have plans with your uncle?” 

“Stuart doesn’t celebrate,” Neil says, “He’s British.” 

“Wait, really?” Nicky asks, leaning forward so he can look Neil over, “Does he have an accent? Is he hot?” 

“Ew!” Dan says, but she’s laughing, “He’s probably too old for you! Plus you have Erik.” 

Nicky sighs dreamily and places a hand over his heart. 

“I sure do,” He says, “My beautiful German hunk of man.” 

Neil has never heard them mention Erik before. He gives Dan a curious look and she smiles knowingly. 

“Erik is Nicky’s boyfriend,” She clarifies, “He’s in Germany for the summer with family. He should be back in August.” 

“I would have joined him,” Nicky says sadly, “But I’m pretty sure Andrew and Aaron would let themselves starve by the time I got back.” 

“You live together?” Neil asks, curious.

“We’re cousins,” Nicky explains. He reaches out and hooks a hand around Andrew’s shoulder which earns him a hard glare and a shove in the opposite direction. Nicky takes it in stride and laughs. “Didn’t you know?” He asks Neil. 

Neil shakes his head and looks between the two of them. Nicky has dark hair and dark skin while Andrew and Aaron are pale and blonde with freckled skin that would burn if they stood in the sun for too long.

“You don’t-” Neil starts but immediately shuts up because Nicky is giving him a very amused look and Neil doesn’t feel like being the brunt of a joke.

“I was blessed by my mother’s Mexican genetics,” Nicky says, “Don’t worry. I know I’m beautiful.” 

“Geez, Nicky,” Dan teases, “Be a bit more subtle.” 

“Never,” Nicky says and then brushes imaginary hair over his shoulder. Matt laughs and reaches out to pat Nicky on the leg. 

“We know you’re beautiful,” Matt says lightly, “Don’t rub it in.” 

“Stop,” Andrew says, but he looks rather exasperated, “You’re going to boost his ego. We don’t need to deal with that.” 

Nicky ignores him in favor of leaning closer to Neil across the blanket. There is a headband of flowers holding back his dark curls. Pinks and yellows that match the shine in his eyes. 

“What do you think, Neil?” Nicky asks. 

Neil raises an eyebrow and picks at the edge of Kevin’s tie-dyed t-shirt. 

“What do I think about what?” Neil asks. He looks to Dan and Matt for assistance but is met with only a look of amusement. 

“Do you think I’m handsome?” Nicky asks. 

“I guess?” Neil says shortly, “Should I?” 

“Oh my god,” Dan says and then covers her mouth before she can let out a loud laugh. It only works enough to muffle the sound rather than hide it completely. 

“Don’t tell me you swing the other way,” Nicky says sadly, “So disappointing. All of the cute ones are straight.” 

“I don’t,” Neil says. Which causes them all to look at him curiously.

“Don’t what?” Jeremy asks, his interest peaked. 

“Swing,” Neil says, “At least I don’t think so.” 

“Are you saying your asexual?” Dan asks. 

Neil makes a face at her. “What’s that?” 

“What’s that, he says,” Matt lets out, “We have to teach you everything don’t we?” 

“It’s when you don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone,” Dan explains, “Does that sound like you?” 

Neil tries to think about a time where he looked at someone and thought _they’re attractive_ but comes up blank. He never strayed too far in anyone's direction when he was on the run. His mother would have rung his neck if he gave someone a second thought. 

“I guess,” Neil says softly, “Maybe?” 

“You can look it up when you get home,” Dan suggests, “Research is good for the soul.” 

Neil doesn’t really care enough to try and put a label on it. It’s not important to him in the long run. Eventually he will go back to drifting through different places without ever putting down roots. He doesn’t have time or the need for things like love and sex. 

“Okay,” He says softly.

The subject is quickly dropped and changed to something less heavy. Jeremy starts talking about work and Jean and Kevin listen with great rapture.

Neil plays with the edge of his shirt and listens to Dan and Matt plan their fourth of July barbecue. He’s only half listening, not really paying attention to anything that’s happening around him. He’s just enjoying their company, their easy laughs and affections. He lets their voices and the sound of the band playing fill his senses until he feels like he’s floating. 

Katelyn, Allison, and Renee return a while later and drag Aaron and Jeremy away to get food from a food truck. Dan and Matt pull out the snacks they brought along with them and Dan hands Neil a small bowl of cut up watermelon and cantaloupe. He gives her a quiet thank you and eats every last slice she put together for him. 

By the end of the night Neil is buzzing with an undercurrent of energy. The band stops playing when the sun sets and slowly the park starts to empty. They linger long after everyone else has gone. Telling stories and passing the last of their alcohol around. 

After they’ve packed up and started back towards the cars Neil makes the impulsive decision to just run back to Stuart’s house. He tries to offer Kevin his shirt back but is dismissed with a wave of Kevin’s hand. He bundles his gray shirt up and tucks it under his arm. 

“We’ll see you tomorrow, Neil,” Dan calls as they walk out of the park, leaving him behind.

“Bye, baby blue!” Allison calls back to him.

Andrew waves Nicky and Aaron off, tossing his keys to Nicky and telling them that he would meet them at the car. Neil watches him linger as the others walk away. When they’re out of view Andrew turns and gives Neil a loaded look, the type of look that causes something warm to swell and expand in Neil’s stomach.

“Hey,” Neil says softly. He hesitates for a second before adding, “Thank you.” 

“For what?” Andrew asks. 

“I don’t know,” Neil says honestly, “For everything?” 

Andrew scoffs at him and for a second Neil thinks he might walk away but instead he reaches out and draws a soft line across Neil’s cheekbone with his forefinger. The scars on Neil’s face tingle at the unfamiliar contact. Neil’s breath catches before he can stop himself.

“You’re an idiot,” Andrew says, but his voice is so low and ruined that it almost sounds like a compliment.

“I know,” Neil replies. He gives Andrew a soft and small smile which earns him a huff of a breath and Andrew pulling his hand away. 

“Will you be at the bonfire?” Neil asks impulsively. 

Andrew gives him a noncommittal shrug. “Don’t know. Might have to work.”

“Okay,” Neil replies, “How many jobs do you have?” 

“Three,” Andrew says immediately, “Why don’t you like knives?” 

Neil sucks in a breath and fiddles with the edge of his shirt before he says, “My father.” 

Andrew nods and shoves his hands in his pockets so deep that Neil wonders if he was trying to stop himself from reaching out again. 

“Don’t get hit by a car,” Andrew says. Neil can’t help but let out a small breath of a laugh. 

“I’ll try my best. I don’t think anyone will miss me in this shirt. You could see it from space.” 

Andrew shakes his head and turns away, starting his walk back towards the church. 

“I’ll see you!” Neil calls. Andrew only raises his hand over his shoulder in a silent farewell. 

*

The bonfire is a quiet affair considering how loud and boisterous their group tends to be. Neil stays far enough away from the fire that he can’t feel the residual heat. He digs his toes into the sand and smiles when Renee and Jean start to build a sand castle around his feet. 

Andrew doesn’t show up but Neil isn’t surprised. He gets a text message from him at around ten at night, a simple picture from behind a bar looking over a crowded room and two pretty colored drinks sitting on the counter. Neil sends back a picture of the sandcastle around his feet and Andrew sends back a single text that says _idiot._

Neil feels warm all over. A constant feeling that won’t seem to go away as he settles into this new routine. At the end of the bonfire he rides home with Matt and Dan, tucked between them in the front of Matt’s pick up truck. 

He lays awake that night and pretends that there is a version of himself that exists in some other parallel universe that doesn’t have to run. A version of him that can keep this strange group of friends. A version of him that adjusts to being touched so easily. A version of him that can stay. 

On the last day of June Neil goes out for a run and ends up back in the empty park in the center of town. In the distance he can see the others are already at the basketball court, tossing around a ball and laughing quietly. Neil smiles to himself and jogs over, this time he doesn’t hesitate or think twice, he walks straight onto the court and nudges Matt with his hip and gives Kevin a fist bump and doesn’t push Allison away when she runs a hand through his hair. 

He catches sight of Andrew sitting on the ground off to the side with his back leaning against Katelyn’s legs. She has her hands in his hair and is braiding the short strands into tiny braids that stick straight up. 

Andrew catches his eye and stares at him until Neil feels his skin flush pink and hot. 

Neil decides that he’s a bit jealous of that alternate universe version of himself that gets to stay. He hopes he’s happy enough for the both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that I let myself write a chapter this long. I'm so sorry. 
> 
> This story is going to be three chapters and will be so full of summer tropes and summer vibes that when it's over I am going to be very sick of summer.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has been sending me things on tumblr and twitter with your favorite summer activities!! I am going to include as many of them as I can! This story will only have three chapters so each one will be pretty stacked with summery stuff :)
> 
> This has not been edited but that shouldn't be surprising to anyone. 
> 
> *the rating is mature because there will be eventual non-explicit sexual content* you have been warned
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](http://stjosten.tumblr.com) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/stjosten)!


	2. July

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a minor warning there are mentions, talks, and descriptions of scars in this chapter. Just a fair warning.

The night before Dan and Matt’s barbecue, well the morning of, Neil is thrown into a nightmare so violent that he jerks out of bed and collapses to the ground in a heap of blankets and limbs. His body feels boneless, his chest heaving as he sucks in uneven breaths. Sometimes he can still feel his father’s hands holding him down and carving violent lines into his skin. Sometimes the smell of burning flesh is so strong that he can’t help but gag and choke on the phantom scent. 

Neil stands from his bed, throws on a pair of shorts and running shoes and leaves Stuart’s house faster than he ever has before. He runs until he’s in the center of town, his legs carrying him on instinct towards the park. 

No one will be there, he knows this, but a part of him wishes he could jog straight through the park to the basketball court and see Kevin and Matt fighting for the ball on court, Nicky egging them on while Dan and Allison laugh at them. He runs laps around the fountain and then runs straight over to the darkened basketball court. 

He hears the familiar slap of a basketball on the pavement, he slows to a jog and then to a hurried walk as he makes his way over, trying to discern the shadowy figure alone on the court. 

As soon as he’s close enough he realizes that it’s Kevin. He’s dribbling back and forth across the court and then shooting baskets without much finesse. He misses, the ball bouncing off the back of the hoop and then falling to the side, rolling straight to Neil’s feet. 

“Fuck,” Kevin says, startled, “Where the fuck did you come from?”

“Down the street,” Neil replies automatically. He leans over and picks up the basketball, tossing it back over to Kevin who catches it with ease. “I’m sure you understand how walking works, Kevin.” 

Kevin gives him a weak scowl and absentmindedly starts to dribble the ball. 

“That’s not what I meant,” Kevin replies hotly, “You startled me.” 

“I can tell.” Neil steps forward and swipes the ball straight out of Kevin’s hand, giving it a few experimental dribbles before he shoots towards the hoop. It barely catches on the rim before falling to the ground with a hard smack. 

“You’re shit at this,” Kevin teases, “Stick to running.” 

“I was planning on it,” Neil replies. The double meaning isn’t lost on him, even if Kevin doesn’t catch it.

“Why are you out here so late?” Kevin asks. He walks to the ball and picks it up again, this time he tucks it under his arm and cocks one hip to the side, watching Neil expectantly. 

“Can’t sleep,” Neil replies, “What about you? Why are you out here alone?” 

Kevin’s face twists in one direction before he shakes his head and starts walking across the court again.

“Can’t sleep,” Kevin echoes, “Didn’t want to bother anyone.” 

“Do you often come here alone?” Neil asks. 

“Not anymore,” Kevin says, he has a far off look in his eyes that peaks Neil’s curiosity but he doesn’t push. Kevin half-heartedly tosses the ball and watches it go straight through the hoop without touching the edge. Neil lets out a low whistle and Kevin scoffs at him. 

“Want to play?” Kevin asks. Neil shrugs and Kevin takes that as a yes. He grabs the ball and forces Neil to the center ring before they start. 

The game is mostly Neil watching Kevin score over and over again. Neil can only manage to keep the ball in his hand for a few seconds before Kevin is stealing it away and scoring more points for himself. By the time Kevin has scored his tenth goal Neil has stopped trying all together. His arms feel like jell-o and the adrenaline from his nightmare is starting to wear off, leaving his head feeling fuzzy and his reaction time slowed. 

After twenty minutes of watching Kevin play and giving up in order to sit in the center of court and watch, Kevin stops and forces Neil up so they can play HORSE. A game that Neil has never heard of before. 

It does not go well, Kevin gets to E before Neil has even made it to O. At the end of the game they collapse in the center ring, their shoulders close enough to touch. 

The air is muggy and hot even for the middle of the night. The absence of sun has done nothing to stop the sticky heat from carrying into the night. Neil feels like his skin is two times too tight for his body. He squirms and tries to find a comfortable position but only manages to make the ache in his arms worse in the process. 

Kevin quickly grows tired of his fidgeting and flails his arm so that he can smack Neil in the stomach.

“Ow?” Neil asks more than exclaims, giving Kevin an annoyed look. 

“Why are you up?” Kevin asks.

“I don't know,” Neil lies, “Insomnia?” 

Kevin hums. “Do you know why we come to the basketball court almost every night?” 

Neil rolls his head so that he can stare at Kevin’s profile. He isn’t looking at Neil, just staring blankly up at the waning clouds in the sky. Neil hums and says, “No.” 

“I have nightmares,” Kevin starts, which is surprising to Neil, because he can’t imagine what trials Kevin could have been forced through, “So I spend a lot of time awake. Dan found out about it and started forcing herself into my late night basketball practices. The others followed.” 

“That sounds like Dan,” Neil responds before clearing his throat, “What are- uh-” He pauses and Kevin lets out a snort of a laugh. 

“I was in a really bad relationship,” Kevin says, “It was during my freshman year of college. He was-” Kevin pauses and sucks in a breath before saying, “very abusive and aggressive. I didn’t think I would ever have the courage to leave but he broke my hand so I dropped out of school and went to live with my dad. Sometimes when I try to sleep I’m back in that dorm room and-”

He turns his head and gives Neil a significant look. Kevin doesn’t have to explain anything else. Neil understands. He knows what it’s like to deal with unruly demons that won’t let you rest. 

“I get it,” Neil says quietly. 

Kevin nods. “I kind of figured. You sort of look like I did when I first moved here.”

“What does that mean?” Neil asks. 

“You look lost,” Kevin replies, casually and shrugging like he’s trying to downplay the weight of his words, “I don’t know what you went through and, you really don’t have to tell us anything, but just know that no one will judge you here. Not for anything you’ve done before.” 

Neil shakes his head and looks away again, ignoring the way Kevin’s eyes burn holes in the side of his head. His father might be gone but there are still people out there who are loyal to the Wesninski name. One wrong move-

“Don’t look like that,” Kevin says, cutting through his thoughts like a knife in butter.

“Like what?” Neil demands, annoyed. 

“Like you’re about to have a complete breakdown over this,” Kevin says shortly, “You’re easier to read than you think you are.”

“I’m not,” Neil lies, because he’s doing that a lot lately. 

“Sure,” Kevin says. He raises his hand and gestures down at himself. “And I’m well adjusted.” 

“You seem fine to me,” Neil replies, which isn’t really a lie. 

Neil has seen Kevin with the others, laughing and smiling and letting them drag him around like a rag doll. But then again, Neil is seeing him now. Quiet and pensive and vulnerable, tucked under the night sky with his heart on his sleeve. There is an invisible scar hidden under the easy going exterior. Thick enough that sometimes it still itches. Neil thinks it matches his own. 

“You’re an idiot,” Kevin replies quietly, “I don’t know what happened to you, but I know that _you_ know it isn’t that easy.” 

Neil hates being known. He wants to pitch a fit and tell Kevin to fuck off but he’s just tired. Tired of arguing. Tired of trying to get people to understand. Tired of trying to explain over and over why he can’t stay, why he doesn’t want to stay. 

Instead of throwing back a scathing retort Neil keeps his mouth shut. He looks away and back up to the night sky. 

“We should go,” Kevin says suddenly, “It’s nearly four.” 

“Okay,” Neil replies. He sits up and then stands with a bit of a struggle. Kevin grabs his ball off the ground and tucks it under his arm. 

“Do you want me to walk you home?” Kevin asks. 

“I’m not a kid,” Neil replies, “I’ll be fine.” 

Kevin shrugs it off. 

“Okay,” He says and Neil thinks he’s finally done talking but he simply pauses before adding, “I meant it. We won’t judge you and we won’t hold anything against you. You can trust us. Even if it’s just for the summer. You deserve to give yourself a chance.” 

Neil catalogues every word and promises himself that he’ll contemplate them later. He nods and then tucks his arms around his chest like a physical barrier between him and the world. 

Maybe he should say thank you, but honestly Neil just wants the conversation to be over.

“I’ll see you later,” Neil says, which is less dismissive than a hard goodbye would have been. 

“Yeah,” Kevin replies, because he understands, “Try and get some sleep.” 

Neil nods but he knows that he won’t. He waits until Kevin starts walking off before he slowly but surely makes his way back to Stuart’s house. He doesn’t bother running or even jogging, too weak in the limbs to walk steady.

When he’s finally back in his room he doesn’t bother to change or shower, he just collapses into bed and stares at the ceiling until the light peaks through the curtains of his windows and reminds him why he can’t have forever. 

*

Stuart offered to give Neil a ride to Dan and Matt’s but Neil refused on principle. Which probably wasn’t a good idea because he arrives at the barbecue feeling light headed and sweaty. Everyone has arrived before him, even Andrew’s shiny black beast of a car is parked out front between Allison’s pink jeep and Jeremy’s much more reasonable Honda.

He could just turn around and leave if he really wanted. He could get away with it, tell the others that the heat and lack of sleep was finally catching up to him. But that would mean that there was something wrong and there was definitely absolutely, nothing wrong. Neil is fine. He’s always fine. 

The party is in full swing by the time Neil finally finds the courage to walk around the house and into the backyard. He doesn’t make it two feet before someone notices him. Of course it’s Kevin. 

“Did you sleep?” Kevin asks immediately, abandoning Jeremy and Jean in favor of walking straight over to Neil. 

“Yes.” 

Kevin doesn’t look convinced. “You look like shit.” 

“Thanks, Kevin,” Neil replies, “That’s really sweet of you.” 

“I’m serious,” Kevin insists, he goes to say more but is cut off by Jeremy and Jean appearing at his side. 

_Thank god._

“Hey, Neil!” Jeremy says brightly. He’s the happiest of the three of them, or at least the most cheerful. “Glad you’re here.”

“Thanks,” Neil mumbles.

“Come, we must force you into the festivities.” Jeremy wraps an arm around Neil’s shoulders and forces him further into the yard, dragging him away from Kevin. He leans over and whispers in Neil’s ear, “Don’t let Kevin drive you crazy. If he’s being too much let me know.” 

Jeremy smiles wide and bright and then acts like he never said anything at all. He drags Neil over to the grill where Matt is standing with a large spatula in hand and a black apron that has the words The Grill Father plastered across the front. 

“Hey buddy!” Matt says happily, he reaches out and brushes a hand through Neil’s hair. Neil doesn’t even try to pull away from the touch. “Glad you could make it!” 

“Thanks for inviting me,” Neil replies quietly, because it seems like the thing to say. Dan comes out of the back of the house carrying a large tray of uncooked meats. She smiles just as wide as Matt when she catches sight of Neil. 

“You made it,” she says happily, placing the tray on the side of the grill for easy access. “Do you want something to drink?” 

“Sure.” 

“Soda? Tea? Water?” 

“Water is fine,” Neil replies. Dan smiles and walks off to grab water from the coolers nearby. Allison comes over from across the yard, Renee close behind her. 

“Hi, baby blue,” Allison coos before grabbing his chin and turning his face to kiss his cheek. Neil brushes her away. 

“Hi,” He says petulantly. 

“Have you ever been to a barbeque before?” 

They know he hasn’t. He isn’t sure why Allison asked.

“Stupid question,” Allison says quickly, “We have fireworks and shit for later. We also have alcohol.” 

“I don’t drink,” Neil reminds her. 

Allison waves him off. “There is a first for everything, babe.” 

Neil sighs. He’s so tired. The sun is beating down on his sensitive skin and he feels like he’s a couple of seconds away from bursting into flames. Dan returns and hands off a cold bottle of water that Neil immediately presses to the side of his neck to try and cool himself off. 

“Are you feeling okay?” Dan asks, looking him over. 

He’s probably being too obvious with his discomfort. He instinctively straightens his shoulders and pretends that nothing is wrong. 

“I’m fine,” He says. Dan doesn’t look convinced, but she simply nods. 

“Hey,” Kevin says, coming up from behind him. Neil turns and gives him a hard glare, hoping that there won’t be anymore comments about Neil’s well-being. 

“I have someone I want you to meet,” Kevin says instead, surprising Neil, “Come on.” 

Neil lets Kevin drag him away from the grill and from the sounds of Jeremy teasing Matt incessantly about his apron. Neil uses this opportunity to scan the backyard. He catches sight of Nicky in one of the lawn chairs with Aaron and Katelyn sitting on the ground next to him. Aaron is leaning back against Katelyn’s chest. They’re wearing matching pink bandanas. Aaron doesn’t seem to even care that he looks ridiculous with his hair sticking up in all directions. 

For a second Neil imagines Andrew in a bright pink bandana and almost bursts into laughter at the very thought. 

Which led him to search for the last member of their group. He knows Andrew is here, although he might have just given Aaron or Nicky the car and stayed home. Neil doesn’t think he would want to be at a party like this. It’s sticky hot and everyone is laughing and joking around, it feels like the exact opposite of what Andrew enjoys. Neil remembers the way he was at the Drive-in Movie, reserved, backed away from the rest of the group. Wonders if he forces himself to these things but maintains some semblance of an invisible barrier so that no one can manage to get too close. 

Andrew is nowhere in sight, which is mildly disappointing. Kevin comes to a stop by a small group of people and Neil turns to look them over. 

The first thing he sees is a man that is tall enough and wide enough to be his father. Neil immediately calculates how far the man could reach and takes two firm steps back so that he can avoid being grabbed. He doesn’t think anyone notices, but then Neil sees that Andrew is standing next to the older man in question. He gives Neil an unimpressed look and one of his eyebrows twitches. It’s a small tell, but Neil knows that Andrew is curious.

“Neil,” Kevin says, “This is my dad. We call him Wymack. Wymack this is Neil.”

“Yeah I got that, Kev,” Wymack says, but he sounds amused, “Nice to meet you, kid.” 

He holds his hand out to shake and Neil realizes that he might have miscalculated a bit. He takes a miniscule step back so that he is _now_ out of arms reach. Wymack drops his hand immediately. He doesn’t look upset or offended. He takes the clear rejection in stride. 

“Kevin tells me you run,” He says casually. Neil shrugs.

Kevin nudges Neil in the back with his elbow. 

“Yeah,” Neil says, “I run.” 

“Any good?” 

“I guess,” Neil says, “I don’t know how someone could be good at running.” 

“He’s fast,” Kevin says, “Can go for miles.” 

Neil has no idea where the conversation is going. He makes eye contact with Andrew, who is looking bored and completely uninterested in the conversation. Neil’s lip twitches upwards. 

“Ever thought about coaching?” Wymack asks and _oh_ that’s where this was going.

“No,” Neil says immediately with a hard edge to his voice that says he really, really can not be swayed. 

Wymack is undeterred. “I’ve been thinking of starting a track team at the rec center,” He explains, “We’re looking for a good coach. Someone that has the patience and wherewithal to work with lost causes.” 

“Hate to disappoint,” Neil says, “But I’m only staying for the summer.” 

For whatever reason Wymack looks amused by this. Neil bites his lip to keep any word vomit from pouring out. He didn’t want to piss off someone that looked like Wymack, especially not when he looked like he could break Neil’s nose with a quick hit of his fist. 

“That’s too bad,” Wymack says, and he means it, “If you ever change your mind or if you end up coming back just let me know. I can find an opening for you.” 

It feels a little bit like a set up. It also feels like dangling a piece of meat in front of a starving dog but keeping it just out of reach. Neil _wants_ to make a place for himself, maybe, somewhere deep down he thinks that he could enjoy coaching Track. It might even be something he is good at. 

It’s not fair. Is all Neil can think about. It really isn’t fair. 

“You look like someone just kicked your puppy,” Andrew suddenly says. Neil looks at him and scowls, only to discover that Wymack and Kevin had migrated away from them while he had been deep in thought. 

“Shut up,” Neil replies, “Who asked you?” 

Andrew looks amused by the attitude. Neil’s stomach flutters when he sees the lightness in Andrew’s eyes. His insides feel like a shaken fizzy drink, and it isn’t because of the sweltering heat. 

“Do you really hate track that much or did Wymack scare you away?” Andrew asks, “Or are you still so determined not to find a reason to stay?” 

Sometimes it feels like Andrew can read Neil like an open book. Which is a mortifying ordeal in its own right, only made worse by the fact that Neil sort of _likes_ it, being known. 

“You know I don’t hate track,” Neil says, “And Wymack doesn’t scare me.” 

“He tried to shake your hand and you looked like he was pulling a knife on you,” Andrew replies, clearly bored. 

It really did look that way, Neil guesses. It was more for self-preservation than anything else. He doesn’t want to be caught on the wrong end of a swing. Wymack doesn’t look the type to go after someone for no reason, especially not when someone like Kevin, trust issues and all, is so comfortable with him, but it was better to be safe than sorry. Neil would always rather be safe than sorry.

Neil decides to take a leap of faith. “He’s the same age and size as my father.” 

Andrew hums. “Is he dead?” 

“Who?” Neil asks. 

“Your father, idiot.” 

“Oh,” Neil says quietly. He nods his head and looks down at the deep grooves of scars on the back of his knuckles and hands. “Yeah. He’s dead.” 

“Then you should probably stop running from him,” Andrew replies, “Not much a dead man can do.”

Andrew doesn’t know the whole truth. Neil tells himself that it is better that way. He keeps himself quiet. 

“Have you seen Matt’s apron?” Neil decides to ask, changing the subject, “Who bought him that?” 

“Dan probably,” Andrew replies. Neil looks over in the direction of the grill where Matt is currently laughing and flapping around a spatula that is still covered in bits of raw burger. Allison yells at him to stop, which only serves to make Matt laugh harder.

“Don’t look so devastated,” Andrew says, “You’re particularly pathetic today. The others will notice.” 

Neil looks back to Andrew and tries to think of something to say to that. His mind comes back perfectly blank. 

Andrew rolls his eyes. “Come on then.” 

Neil follows Andrew back over to the grill. Matt starts putting plates together and Dan helps him. Andrew forces Neil into a seat at one of the fold out tables before disappearing to help Dan and Matt bring the food out. Neil ends up drinking his entire water bottle and within a few seconds another is placed down on the table in front of him. 

Neil looks up in time to see Renee smiling warmly before she sits down with her own bottle of water.

“I hear you don’t drink,” Renee says, “Neither do I.” 

Neil eyes the glistening cross around her neck before nodding. “Okay.” 

“Are you feeling okay, Neil?” Renee asks, “You look a bit pale.” 

“I’m fine,” Neil says. Andrew comes back over to the table with a plate of food and drops it down in front of Neil without much ceremony. 

“Eat,” Andrew says before turning around and walking away again.

“Wow,” Renee comments, “Andrew must really be fond of you.” 

Neil doesn’t think Andrew could be fond of anyone. 

“No,” Neil says, “He just thinks I can’t take care of myself.” 

Renee hums and her eyes travel across Neil’s face before she says, “Right.”

Everyone grabs food and then fills the table around them. Andrew takes the other spot beside Neil and makes a point to push Neil’s plate closer to him. 

Neil is finally introduced to Matt’s mother, who is a professional boxer and is _very_ intimidating. She’s nice enough and smiles and ruffles Neil’s hair like an old friend. Neil can see where Matt gets it from. 

When the sun starts to set they move to a fire pit that Matt and Jean set up in the middle of the yard. Neil sits in a chair between Allison and Andrew. Allison keeps one hand wrapped around the back of his chair, occasionally brushing her hand through his hair.

“We need to take you shopping, babes,” Allison says, “I’m sick of seeing you in gray.”

“I like gray,” Neil huffs. 

“I know,” Allison complains, “But imagine how cute you would look wearing something with color. Maybe blue to bring out your eyes?” She turns to Renee, “What do you think, babe?” 

“I think Neil looks fine,” Renee says sweetly. Jeremy groans from across the fire. 

“You’re being nice again, Renee,” Jeremy says, “Try being mean for once.” 

Renee smiles sweetly and just shrugs, leaning back into her chair without a care in the world. 

“We’ll go this week” Allison says, “We can get you some real clothes and maybe a haircut. My treat.” 

“I have money,” Neil says petulantly.

“I didn’t ask,” Allison says, a clear look of amusement on her face. 

Neil drops it because he knows better. Allison wasn’t going to let it go and it is useless to try and talk his way out of it. Allison knows where Stuart’s house is, she would probably show up and drag him away unannounced. The thought sets a warm feeling into motion in his chest. He pushes it down.

The group quickly dissolves into easy conversations amongst themselves. Matt and Dan talk to Matt’s mom about New York and her upcoming fights. Kevin, Jean, and Jeremy are talking to Wymack about some event at the youth center. Aaron and Katelyn are quickly swept away into a conversation with Renee, Nicky, and Allison, all of them laughing and poking fun at each other while Aaron looks exasperated. 

Allison doesn’t move her hand from the back of Neil’s chair, but she’s turned away from him. He doesn’t force himself to try and talk to them, his body feels heavy and even with the sun dipping into the horizon, he still feels sick from the heat. 

Something cold hits the back of his neck and Neil flinches away and turns to see that Andrew has another bottle of water in his hand. The cold is a shock to his system, but Neil welcomes the cool condensation against his hot flesh. 

“Here,” Andrew says, quietly. Neil takes the bottle and keeps it pressed against the back of his neck. 

Neil doesn’t know why they’re so nice to him. He can’t figure out what it means that they want to include him in everything, that they notice when he isn’t feeling well, or notice when he just doesn’t want to talk. The others haven’t pushed, probably because they didn’t want Neil to shut down on them, but Andrew- Andrew was always pushing. Neil didn’t know what it meant. Sometimes he thought that maybe Andrew looked at him differently than the others. He didn’t look sad or sympathetic. He looked contemplative, thoughtful. 

“Staring,” Andrew says. 

Neil startles but says, “Yeah.” 

Andrew is probably objectively attractive. Neil knows this. The others are attractive in their own right as well. He can see the way the entire group would stand out when they’re in public. 

He’s just never really _thought_ about it before. Never had the chance. Never really _wanted_ to look at someone like that. But he’s looking isn’t he? And there’s something about the way Andrew’s pale hair eats up the reflection of the bonfire, burning red and bright, that’s sort of breath taking. 

“Jesus,” Andrew says under his breath, exasperated, “You’re too much.” 

He doesn’t reach out but it’s a near thing. He looks like he wants to push Neil’s face away, maybe take hold of the back of his neck and force his face straight into the fire. Neil can’t stop the smirk from spreading across his face and Andrew just looks even more exasperated at the sight. 

Neil lets his head lull against the back of his chair. He moves the water bottle to his lap and leaves it there, the cold seeping away into his skin as the water starts to lose its chill.

He’s so tired. His entire body is humming and sore, he tries to ignore it, tries to fight back the flutter of his eyes as he stares at Andrew. 

Allison’s hand moves from the back of the chair and someone lets a harsh _shh_ and then it’s quiet and Neil falls asleep. 

*

Neil feels someone nudge his shoulder, and because old habits die very, very hard, he shoots awake like someone had just tried to grab him. 

“Fuck.” His voice is gravely and his head is full of fog that comes from waking up in the middle of a sleep cycle. He turns his head to see that Andrew is hovering next to him, his arms crossed and a bored expression on his face.

“What-” 

“You fell asleep,” Andrew says, “No one wanted to wake you.”

“Oh,” Neil says softly. Andrew sighs. 

“Get up,” Andrew says. He reaches out and takes a hold of Neil’s forearm and drags him up and out of the chair. Neil lets him, he doesn’t even try to fight it. His entire body is heavy and loose from the nap. 

“Hey, sleeping beauty!” Someone calls. Neil turns to see that they have all moved from the fire pit and into an open portion of the yard. 

Neil narrows his eyes at Jeremy who was the one currently waving him over enthusiastically. 

“We’re setting off fireworks!” Jeremy yells, “If you want to join us!” 

Neil sighs. Andrew reaches out and pushes Neil’s shoulder so he’ll start moving. Neil walks all of two feet before he stops and turns back to Andrew. 

“Why are you so nice to me?” Neil asks suddenly. He doesn’t know what compels him to say it. Maybe it’s because he’s still half asleep, his brain muddy. Andrew looks taken aback for all of a second before hiding his reaction entirely. 

“I’m not nice to you,” Andrew says with annoyance, “You’re just pathetic.” 

“So you feel bad for me?” Neil asks, amused. 

“That would suggest I feel anything towards you,” Andrew says haughtily. He pushes past Neil and starts to walk off, but Neil isn’t done yet. 

“You know,” Neil says, “It’s very hard to believe you when you’ve called me pathetic twice today. I’m starting to think you might actually like me.” 

“That’s your first mistake,” Andrew says, not turning around, “Thinking.” 

Neil lets out a quiet laugh and then smothers it with the back of his hand. Andrew doesn’t turn around but he stiffens slightly at the sound. Neil notices. Of course he notices. 

“You’re such an Asshole,” Neil says from behind his hand. Andrew doesn’t bother replying. He stalks off to join the others and doesn’t look back even once. To anyone else it would seem like nothing, but to Neil it feels like a victory. 

As soon as they reach the others, Neil is being swept away by Jeremy and then Allison. They both wrap one arm around his shoulders, holding him close. The heat isn’t as unbearable anymore. He welcomes the touch because he feels like he should. Because he secretly craves it. 

Matt sets up a line of fire works just out of reach in the backyard. Dan yells instructions in his direction and then laughs happily when Matt flips her off. 

Neil lets the warm feeling settle in his chest and doesn’t try to push it away. He swaddles it, keeps it close, lets it rummage around his insides until he’s burning as bright as the hot sun. 

Matt lights the first fireworks and then runs back. Allison ooh’s and aww’s against the side of Neil’s head and Jeremy laughs in his ear when Nicky and Matt start singing a butchered version of Born in the USA. 

Neil doesn’t bother to smother the smile on his face. Not when he watches the fireworks explode above them, not when he catches Andrew’s eyes and gets a half-heartedly glare, not when Dan comes over and joins their dog pile of bodies, wrapping her arms around his middle and tucking his head under her chin. 

*

Neil gets back to Stuart’s house after an entire day of shopping with Allison, Renee, and Jeremy with bags full of more clothing than he has ever owned in his entire life. Stuart gives him a curious and slightly amused look when he catches sight of the bags and Neil ignores him. He doesn’t want to talk about it. Every time Stuart tries to bring it up Neil feels more and more compelled to tell him to fuck off.

As soon as he’s inside his temporary bedroom he starts pulling out clothing and looking them over. None of it would fit in his duffel bag when it came time to leave. He could probably pick his favorite, maybe one shirt or pair of shorts to bring with him, everything else would have to stay. 

Without much thought Neil ends up putting every article of clothing away in the dresser that he still hasn’t managed to use. When he’s finished he realizes what he’s done and it feels a bit like settling in. He opens the drawers, sees how they’re stacked to the brim with bright colored shirts and pants, even a swimsuit, something that Neil has definitely never owned before. 

He shoves the drawer closed before he can rip everything out and leave the clothing in piles in the bedroom. 

It’s too much like settling down. Neil _knows_ that he wants it, wants to settle. He thinks about Wymack’s offer, thinks about coaching kids like him Track. He wonders what it would be like, running for fun rather than running to settle the anxiety in his chest. 

His phone goes off in his pocket and Neil pulls it out in time to see that the group chat that Allison had created was starting to come to life. He opened his phone and read over the various messages from Allison and Jeremy, bragging about the clothing that they bought Neil. 

Dan sends a text that says _pool day this week??_

A myriad of replies flush in from Allison, Jeremy, Renee, and even Kevin. They all agree and then start picking a date. Neil has never been to a pool before, he doesn’t even know how to swim. 

_My house?_ Allison asks. Everyone replies with a yes and it seems like it’s settled. No wonder Allison forced him to buy a bathing suit when they went shopping. He really didn’t have a choice in the matter. 

A separate text comes in from Allison. 

_I will send someone to pick you up, baby blue. No backing out._

Neil sends a quick okay and then locks his phone and throws it over to his bed. It bounces twice and then settles against the soft sheets that Stuart had bought him. 

It feels like too much, being so surrounded and adored, being given so much attention. Neil closes his eyes and pinches his nose and tries to remember what his mother looks like, what she sounds like. 

He finds his mind coming up blank. 

“Sorry mom,” Neil says to no one, to the room, to the ghost of his mother that is surely standing over him and is _not_ impressed. “One of us has to make it.” 

He just doesn’t know if he knows how. 

*

Uncle Stuart is working when Jean, Jeremy, and Renee show up to pick him up to go to Allison’s. She doesn’t live very far apparently, a big mansion in the same area as Stuart. Neil isn’t entirely surprised to discover that Allison comes from money, she carries the energy of a rich person with her wherever she goes. Neil sees the similarities in the way Stuart behaves about money, spending it frivolously and without much regard for how much will be left over in the end. 

Neil is wearing the swim trunks that Jeremy had picked out for him. A pair of colorful knee length shorts with palm trees all over. Jeremy gives him an approving nod when Neil comes out of the house with nothing else but the trunks, an oversized t-shirt and his cell phone.

“I brought you a bandana,” Jeremy says as soon as Neil is in the back seat beside him. Jean and Renee are in the front and every once in a while Neil can see Renee lean across the seat and speak gently in Jean’s ear. Neil tries not to feel like he’s prying in their personal lives, but the curiosity is far too strong.

One second Renee is with Allison like they’re together and the next Allison is with Kevin and Renee is with Jean and Jeremy or vice versa. They’re interchangeable parts, inseparable and attached at the hip. Wherever one goes the rest could be found not too far away. Neil has absolutely no idea what it means. They could all just be really close, but some moments, like the moment happening right in front of him, seem far too intimate for people who are just friends. 

“Ne-il,” Jeremy whines, “Pay attention. Bandana.” 

Neil turns in time to see Jeremy holding out a bright blue bandana that will definitely look ridiculous with Neil’s red hair. He twists the bandana and then reaches out to tie in around the back of Neil’s head, pushing the long hair out of his eyes. 

Allison hadn’t been able to convince Neil to get a haircut when they had gone shopping. She had tried several times since then but Neil was obstinate in keeping his hair on his head, too stubborn to give in to another one of Allison’s whims. 

“Better,” Jeremy says, after he’s adjusted the headband around Neil’s hair and pushed away the arrant red curls that always manage to get in his eyes. 

Renee looks over her shoulder and into the backseat, an easy smile on her face. “Cute.” 

“Thanks?” Neil says, but it sounds more like a question. Jeremy laughs. 

“You’re so adorable,” He coos, “I can’t stand it.” 

“I’m not,” Neil says petulantly, which only makes Jeremy smile harder. 

He ignores the three of them for the rest of the ride, which isn’t very long. Allison lives a few blocks away from Stuart’s house. It’s a large and imposing white brick home that has more windows than Neil has ever seen in a house. Jean parks the car behind Matt’s pick up truck and gets out, the rest of them following close behind. 

“Don’t be intimidated by Allison’s giant house,” Jeremy says, “Her parents are never here anyway.” 

“Allison just lives alone?” Neil asks. Jeremy shrugs and then walks off. Neil catches sight of Andrew’s black car and tries not to let the bubbling feeling in his chest take over once again. 

The backyard is very different from Dan and Matt’s. There is a giant stone patio with chairs and benches and a fancy glass table that is currently covered in food and drinks. The pool _huge_ , but Neil doesn’t have much to compare it too. He’s never really been to a community pool before, but from what he has seen this one was maybe a bit too large to have in someone’s backyard. 

Allison is with Kevin sitting on the edge of the pool, their feet in the water. Dan is in the water below them, looking up with her arms crossed over the edge of the pool. Matt is close by, lazily floating at the top of the pool without a care in the world. 

“Hey!” 

Neil turns to see Katelyn standing by a set of lawn chairs, an umbrella propped up between them. Aaron is sitting in one chair with a can of soda in hand. He’s wearing a pair of pink heart-shaped sunglasses on the top of his head, a matching pair is currently sitting on Katelyn’s face, hiding her eyes. Andrew is in the other chair, he doesn’t look very enthusiastic to be here, he’s wearing a long sleeve shirt with a hoodie, it looks light but Neil knows that the heat must be getting to him, even underneath an umbrella.

“Katie!” Jeremy calls, he skips away from them and goes straight to her. They dramatically fling their arms around each other and Neil sighs at the sight, wondering what it’s like to so easily give affection. 

A pool house is set a bit off behind the pool, the door is open and Neil can just barely make out Nicky rummaging around. 

“Are you excited to swim?” Renee asks sweetly. She leans into Neil’s space but doesn’t dare touch. Neil is grateful that she always seems to know when something is too much for him. 

“I guess,” Neil says softly, he scratches at the back of his neck and then quickly pulls his hand away before he scratches himself too hard, “I’ve never really been swimming before.” 

“Never?” Jean cuts in. 

Neil goes to reply but is distracted by Nicky coming out of the pool house and throwing various blow up accessories in, including two pool rings, a couple of weird long tubes, and a long, blow up pool float. Allison immediately dives into the pool and grabs the float before anyone else. 

“I am going to _lounge_ ,” She announces which makes Dan laugh and Kevin kick water in her direction. 

“Do _not_ splash me, Day,” Allison threatens, “I will cut your balls off.”

“But you like my-”

“Gross!” Nicky yells, “Straight people are gross.” 

“No one here is straight, Nicky,” Dan reprimands, “Get it together.” 

Neil is definitely still confused. Renee lets out a huff of a laugh and then nudges him in the direction of the pool. 

“Do you want to try and sit at the edge of the pool?” She asks sweetly, “No one will force you in. I promise.” 

Neil looks over to where Andrew is now throwing pieces of grass in Katelyn and Jeremy’s direction. Katelyn laughs and nudges his shoulder with one of her hands, prompting him to grab his water bottle and squirt it in her direction. 

“I’m okay for now,” Neil says softly. Renee catches on rather quickly. She smiles knowingly and shrugs.

“Let me know if you change your mind.” She turns and walks over to the pool, discarding her belongings at one of the chairs just out of splashing range. Neil looks away and back towards Andrew. Aaron, Jeremy, and Katelyn have moved on to the pool, joining the others. Neil moves before he can stop himself. 

Andrew sees him coming and sends him a bored glare. 

“Not going to swim?” Andrew asks, when Neil is close enough. He drops down into the abandoned chair beside Andrew and leans back.

“No,” Neil says, “What about you?” 

Andrew shrugs. “Later.” 

“Really?” Neil asks, “You don’t seem like the sort that enjoys swimming.” 

“Because you know me so well,” Andrew retorts, but his cheeks are flushing a light pink that is definitely not from the sun. 

“Sure,” Neil says, “You’re not hard to read.”

“Coming from you,” Andrew says, he sits up and crosses his legs underneath him, “It’s a bit insulting.” 

“What does that mean?” 

“You’re an open book. You wear your anxiety on your sleeve,” Andrew says like he’s bored. Neil sends him a glare that he hopes is convincing. “Don’t worry I don’t think the others are as observational.” 

Neil thinks about Kevin’s comments the night they played basketball together and Renee giving him room to breathe without stepping too close. 

“I think you’d be surprised,” Neil says, “You don’t give them enough credit.” 

Andrew shrugs dismissively. Katelyn lets out a loud yell and Neil looks over in time to see Aaron lifting her up and dropping her into the pool. There is a large splash and she comes back up laughing. 

“Just go sit with them,” Andrew says, “It won’t kill you.” 

Neil looks at Andrew and then back towards the pool.

“You can join me,” Neil offers. Andrew shakes his head. 

“Just go.” 

Neil lets out a sigh and stands up from the chair. He makes his way over to the pool and sits down on the edge, letting his legs dangle into the cool water. He kicks his legs back and forth experimentally and sighs. It feels nice, especially since the heat has been so unbearable the last few days. 

Nicky swims over to Neil and sets himself on the edge of the pool, resting his arms on the spot right beside Neil. 

“Hey, cutie,” Nicky says with a smile, “Do you want to get in and swim?” 

“No. Not really,” Neil says. Nicky just shrugs and leans on the edge of the pool, his chin resting on his forearms. 

“That’s okay,” Nicky says, “Andrew doesn’t like to swim much either.” 

Kevin jumps into the pool and sends a splash of water in their direction. Neil ducks away and tries to avoid getting wet. His shirt is thin, too thin that if it got wet he feared it might be see-through. He didn’t want to have a conversation about the scars on his chest. They had never commented on his arms and hands or his face, but Neil wasn’t sure they would be quiet about seeing a healed over bullet wound. 

Kevin comes up for air just in time to help Jean flip Allison over on her pool float. She falls unceremoniously into the water and then comes back up, sputtering and swearing as they laugh at her. 

Neil feels a spike of anxiety at the thought that one of them would drag him into the water without asking. They probably wouldn’t, Neil knows that they aren’t as thoughtless or oblivious as Andrew thinks they are, but the fear is still enough to have him edging back away from the pool until only the smallest bit of his feet is still touching the water. 

“Don’t worry,” Nicky says, as if he could read Neil’s mind, “We won’t dunk you. Especially when you said you don’t want to swim.” 

“That doesn’t mean you’re safe from getting splashed!” Matt calls. Just as he says this he takes a small paddle board and smacks it against the top of the water. The water moves like a wave and splashes up and straight over Neil, drenching him from head to toe in the cold pool water. 

Fight or flight triggers as easily as taking a breath. Neil covers his torso with his arms and immediately struggles to get up and away from the pool.

“Wait!” Matt calls, “Buddy, what’s wrong?” 

“Idiot!” He hears someone say, it sounds like Kevin, “He probably didn’t want to get in the water for a reason!” 

Neil doesn’t listen to anything else. He gets away from the water and walks off around the side of the house. As soon as he’s alone he drops down to a crouch and forces his head between his knees. He takes in slow even breaths, just like the crisis counselor at the hospital had taught him, trying to reel in the start of a full blown panic attack. 

It’s embarrassing. He’s embarrassed. They probably didn’t notice, but Neil feels like the wet front of his shirt is sticking to every single one of his scars and highlighting them for everyone to see. He runs his hand down the front of his shirt and tries to soothe himself as best as he can. It’s harder when he’s alone. It’s easier to fester in his own fears when he doesn’t have someone to drag him out of it. 

“Hey.” 

Neil looks up in time to see Andrew taking a seat right in front of him, crossing his legs and pulling out a pack of cigarettes. He lights two and holds one out to Neil. Andrew waits patiently for Neil to uncurl himself and take the cigarette. 

“Thank you,” Neil says softly. Andrew brushes it off with a simple shrug. He leans back on one of his arms and takes a long drag of his cigarette with the other.

“What happened?” Andrew asks, “What triggered it?” 

Neil doesn’t want to say. It’s embarrassing, stupid, just so stupid. Admitting it out loud would just remind him how childish his reaction was. 

“Nothing,” Neil says.

“It’s not nothing, Neil,” Andrew says, “Tell me what it was so I can make sure it doesn’t happen again.” 

“You can’t protect me from the world,” Neil says, he feels frustration start to crawl up the back of his throat, “I just want to be _normal_. It’s exhausting.” 

“You’ll never be normal,” Andrew says, “This shouldn’t surprise or upset you.” 

Neil stays quiet. He lifts the cigarette to his lips and takes a single drag, ignoring the burn and the desire to cough. 

“Was it the water?” Andrew asks, “No one is going to make you swim.”

“I have scars,” Neil finally says, “I have scars and they’re really ugly.” 

Andrew hums and Neil looks up to see that he isn’t looking at Neil anymore. His eyes are on the cloudless, blue sky above them, dark with contemplation.

“No one will say anything,” Andrew says finally, “They never do.” 

“You don’t know that,” Neil forces out, “You have no idea how bad my scars are they-”

Andrew drops his cigarette to the side and then pulls his shirt off in one smooth motion. He discards it to the side and picks up his cigarette again, his arms on display for the world to see. 

The scars there are endless lines of healed over skin. Neil stares and stares and stares. Andrew lets him, not even flinching. 

“What-” Neil starts, “Why?” 

“Why what?” Andrew asks, casually, leaning back as if he wasn’t exposing such a huge part of himself for Neil to see, “Why am I showing you? Why are they there? Does it matter either way?” 

Neil realizes what he’s trying to do. He shakes his head. 

“I know, but, Andrew-” Neil starts, “You don’t have to-” 

“I know,” Andrew says, “I don’t do anything I don’t want to do.” 

It’s solidarity. Neil wonders if he should show Andrew his scars. Wonders if it would make them even.

“Why are you showing me?” Neil decides to ask, “What are you trying to do?” 

“They have never asked,” Andrew says, “None of them. Not once. Not even when I’ve caught them staring.” He takes a drag of his cigarette and finally looks straight at Neil. It feels like an intimate moment, too intimate. “They won’t ask. They won’t care. But it’s ultimately your decision what you want to do. Don’t force yourself.” 

Neil lets out a breath and feels his body start to relax incrementally. He supposes that they wouldn’t really care, or say anything about the scars for that matter. Neil still doesn’t want them to see it. Doesn’t want _anyone_ to see them. 

He looks down at his shirt and sees that the wet cloth hasn’t given anything away. He can barely make out the curve of his hip let alone a small puckering of skin. For once he’s grateful for his terrible taste in clothing, wearing the biggest shirt he owns was a good idea. 

“I don’t know how to swim,” he blurts out. 

Andrew doesn’t look surprised at the admission. He says, “You can use a pool float.” 

Neil tilts his head one way and then the other. Andrew’s eyes are reflective in the sunlight, sometimes they shine almost golden. Neil is starting to find it distracting. 

“Will you join us?” Neil asks. He is tempted to say _me_ but he keeps it to himself. 

Andrew sighs like it’s the worst thing that has ever been asked of him. 

“Fine,” He says. He puts out his cigarette and slips the butt back into the carton. Neil does the same, he doesn’t care if it's a waste, he doesn’t really like smoking anyway. 

Andrew stands up and then offers out a hand, the scars on his arm on display for the world to see. Neil doesn’t know what it means. It probably means a lot. It probably means _something_ to someone like Andrew. Neil takes his hand and lets Andrew drag him up to his feet. 

When they come back around the side of the house everyone is pointedly looking away. Nicky is the only one with the guts to catch Neil’s eye from the pool, he gives him a sad looking smile and then gestures for Neil to come over. 

Andrew kicks off his shoes and then drops himself into the pool without so much as a blink. He grabs a pool ring that was floating aimlessly around the edge of the pool and carries it over to Neil. 

“Come on,” He says. No one comments as Neil sits down at the edge of the pool and then eases himself in. The immediate relief of the cool water on his hot skin is enough to send a shiver down his spine. Andrew notices and gives him a half-blooming smile that doesn’t really push past the sides of his lips. Neil gives him one back. 

Andrew lifts the pool ring and forces it over Neil’s head until it’s around his waist. It’s large and bulky but Neil rests his arms and head on the side and smiles when Andrew looks at him with clear exasperation.

Matt swims over and stops beside them, looking guilty and wide eyed. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you, buddy,” Matt says, “I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Neil says, “You just surprised me. It’s fine.” 

Matt tries his best to smile but it doesn’t really reach his eyes. Neil feels bad, but then quickly pushes the thought away when he looks at Andrew. He shouldn’t feel bad for how he reacted. His anxiety is out of his control for the most part. It isn’t his fault, but it isn’t Matt’s either.

“Don’t worry,” Neil says. He reaches out and pats Matt’s shoulder like Matt has done to him so many times. “I’m not upset.” 

Matt looks relieved. He gives Neil a much warmer smile and then pats his head, messing up the hair that Jeremy had pushed aside with the bandana. 

“Hey!” Neil complains, pushing Matt’s hand away and then splashing water in his face. Matt laughs and splashes him back.

Neil stays in his pool ring and watches Jeremy tackle Matt into the water. Allison and Renee share a pool float and then Kevin splashes them so hard that Allison ends up spitting pool water all over his face. Neil watches them and feels warm all over. He watches them and wishes that he could stay like this forever. For once he pushes the need to run out of his mind. 

Neil turns to stare at Andrew, his hair is wet and sticking to his forehead, for some unknown reason Neil wants to reach out and push the wet hair out of his face.

“Staring,” Andrew says, but there is something warm and melty in his eyes that makes Neil smile. 

“Yeah,” Neil says, he leans his head onto the side of the pool ring and keeps up his staring. Andrew rolls his eyes and then reaches out, twisting the ring and sending Neil into a full spiral. 

“Hey!” Neil complains. Andrew reaches out and stops the pool ring. His arms on either side of Neil’s hands. Without thinking too much about it, Neil reaches out. He watches Andrew’s face, moves slowly to see if he will stop him. Andrew just watches with great rapture as Neil reaches out a single finger and runs a slow line down Andrew’s scarred forearm from elbow to wrist. 

Andrew takes in a deep breath as soon as Neil has stopped his feather light touch. Neil doesn’t remove his finger from Andrew’s wrist, letting it rest there and then tapping gently several times like an unsteady heartbeat.

“You like me,” Neil teases. 

Andrew doesn’t try to correct him. He just reaches out and spins Neil around again without even blinking. 

*

Neil doesn’t know why he suddenly feels very different than he did before. The pool party had been fun. Neil had stayed in the pool until his skin had pruned and then he got out and Allison had given him a light jacket to put on over his wet t-shirt. They had hung out on the porch until the sun set, then they had lit sparklers and Neil watched as Allison, Jeremy, and Matt had drawn messages in the darkness. 

Something was settling deep inside Neil that he didn’t want to think too much about. He _liked_ them. He enjoyed their company and enjoyed spending time with them. He liked it when Kevin sent him a text late and night and asked if he wanted to meet at the basketball court. Neil liked it when Allison showed up unannounced and let herself in and then proceeded to force Neil to watch some terrible tv show on Netflix in Stuart’s big living room. 

For whatever reason they had chosen Neil. They never asked too many questions. They didn’t care where Neil came from or where he was going to go when Summer ended. They wanted him to be happy, with or without them. It was a lot. A lot to take in, a lot to think about, a lot to get used too. Neil would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy their company, their easy laughs, their easy smiles, and even their touches that were getting easier and easier to handle every single day. 

Neil is currently alone in Stuart’s house. It’s late, Stuart is off sleeping or downstairs in his office working into the late hours. Earlier that day Renee and Jeremy had shown up at the house and taken Neil out for a walk around town. They went through the nature trails through the woods nearby and stopped at a creek where Renee had forced them to see down and watch the fish swim around in circles. 

He’s tired but not tired enough to sleep. The room feels too small and the house doesn’t feel quite like a house anymore. Sometimes it feels too much like his home in Baltimore where he was forced to hide inside his room and stay quiet. 

He didn’t know how he felt. His skin felt too tight but it wasn’t from fear or anxiety. He had pent up energy under his skin that he couldn’t seem to release, not even after an entire day of hiking and walking. 

Neil grabbed his phone from the side table beside his bed and pulled up Andrew’s contact.

_Are you working?_

Andrew had more jobs than anyone in their group. Neil knew that he was probably working at the bar tonight. It wasn’t even twelve in the morning, there was no way he was off of his shift yet. His phone buzzed and Neil shot up in bed to read it over.

_no_

Neil rolled his eyes and typed out a few words and then promptly deleted them. What did he want from Andrew? He didn’t really know anymore. Andrew was apathetic, didn’t blink in the face of Neil’s panic, never pushed but always asked. Neil felt more willing to share with him than anyone else. Felt more willing to open up about his laundry list of secrets and issues. Neil wanted to be close to him whenever he was around, and for some reason he missed Andrew when he was far away. 

It was a lot to unpack. A lot to think about, which was quickly becoming the theme for Neil’s life. He was always thinking, always considering the new things that were popping up around him. 

Maybe he should have done research like Dan had suggested at the summer concert. He could have figured out why he didn’t see any of them differently but when he saw Andrew a strange tingling sensation would take over his entire body. 

_come pick me up._

He locked his phone and leaned back in the bed, not sure what he was asking or what he even wanted. 

A couple seconds letter the reply came through stark and bright against the dark background of his phone. 

_on my way_.

Neil’s heart fluttered like a caged bird. He stood up, looked down at his outfit and then grabbed a random sweatshirt from his dresser and pulled it on. He tapped his hands against his thighs and then started pacing across his room like a caged animal. 

What was he doing? He really had no idea. He didn’t even know what he _wanted_ , but he couldn’t help but think that he wanted Andrew. A strange and startling feeling, a weird realization. He wanted Andrew but he didn’t know why. He wanted Andrew and it felt like the most honest thing he had ever admitted to himself. 

Fifteen minutes later Andrew was sending him a text saying he was outside. Neil went down the stairs quickly but as quietly as possible so he wouldn’t alert Stuart to him leaving at such a late hour. 

He steps outside and sees Andrew’s car parked where it was the first time he picked Neil up. Neil checks time to make sure he has his keys and then locks the front door behind him before hurrying down the front walk. Andrew is on his phone when he gets in the car. He doesn’t look up when Neil buckles in. 

“Hey,” Neil says, his voice suddenly sounds too loud for the interior of the car. 

Andrew locks his phone and puts it into the cupholder between them. 

“Hey,” He says. He looks at Neil and the warm sensation returns to his stomach inexplicably. 

“Thank you,” Neil says and then awkwardly he clears his throat and adds, “For picking me up.” 

“No problem,” Andrew says, he adjusts himself in his seat and then settles his hand on the stick shift. “Do you have some place in mind?” 

“No,” Neil replies, “Not really. I just want-” He waves a hand in front of himself vaguely, “I don’t know.” 

Andrew puts the car in drive and pulls away from the curb in front of Stuart’s house, Neil watches it disappear in the side mirror. 

“Where are we going?” Neil asks. Andrew rolls down his window and lights a cigarette. The smoke settles something inside of Neil. 

“You’ll see,” Andrew says. 

They drive in silence for a while. Andrew takes them through the rich area and into the wooded area where Neil had been that morning with Jeremy and Renee. Neil doesn’t mind the quiet. Every mile they take away from Stuart’s house calms Neil down substantially. He feels lighter, even as Andrew drives them down a dirt path and up a shaky hill into an area Neil has never been before. 

When Andrew parks the car Neil leans forward and looks out the window. They’re by an edge of a hill, looking out onto the town below them. The street lamps look like fairy lights from so far away.

“Did you bring me here to kill me?” Neil asks jokingly. Andrew doesn’t look impressed at the joke, he just opens the door and gets out of the car, settling against the hood and tucking his hands into his pockets. 

Neil watches him for a moment and then gets out and follows after him. He follows Andrew’s lead, and leans against the hood of the car, watching the city lights below them flicker. 

“What are we doing out here?” Neil asks, quietly. He feels like he’s in a library or a church, afraid to speak too loudly and break the moment. 

“Just watch, idiot,” Andrew says. Neil gives him a curious look but doesn’t push. He watches the empty space around them, waiting for something to happen. 

Then there’s a flicker of light and Neil realizes what Andrew was showing him. 

“Oh,” Neil says softly. 

The lightning bugs flicker around them just out of reach. Neil has never seen any in person before. There was never really time to admire his surroundings, not when he was a kid, not when he was on the run with his mother. 

“It’s sort of beautiful,” Neil whispers. He leans closer to Andrew instinctively. Andrew doesn’t push him away. 

“Do you want to catch one?” Andrew asks. Neil nods excitedly and Andrew rolls his eyes before standing up and going back to the car. He opens the back door, leans in and grabs a mason jar, coming back out and handing it over to Neil. 

“Slow,” Andrew instructs, “They startle easily. Just like you.” 

Neil uncaps the mason jar and lightly nudges Andrew with his shoulder for the comment. He stands up and walks towards the huddle of lightning bugs buzzing around them. He reaches out with the jar and waits for the perfect moment before snatching one up and closing the lid. When he looks inside he sees two flickering lights instead of just one. 

“Oops,” Neil says, he steps back to Andrew and shows him the jar, “I accidentally caught two of them. Do you think they mind?” 

Andrew shrugs. “They were close enough to catch at once right?” 

Neil holds the jar up and watches the lightning bugs dance around each other. 

“It’s us,” Neil says thoughtlessly. As soon as he realizes what he said he gives Andrew a surprised look. “I didn’t mean-” 

“Yes you did,” Andrew says with a sigh. Neil lowers the jar and looks Andrew over, he’s studying his hands, not bothering to look up at Neil when he’s so deep in thought. 

“What?” Neil asks. He leans back against the car and waits for Andrew to look at him. 

It takes a moment but Andrew finally looks up and away from his hands. He gives Neil a hard assessing look, one that Neil has never seen before, one that’s determined, one that looks like he just made a very big decision. 

Andrew reaches out, he hooks his fingers into the collar of Neil’s t-shirt. Neil lets out a startled breath. 

“Yes or no?” Andrew asks. 

Neil feels light headed. 

“Yes.”

Andrew tugs him forward and kisses him. 

Neil has never kissed anyone before. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do, doesn’t know if he’s supposed to tilt his head one way or the other, if he’s supposed to press back or let Andrew do all of the work. 

Neil is thinking too much, he feels himself going still under Andrew’s lips, feels himself freezing up. Andrew moves his hand from the collar of Neil’s shirt and tucks it around the back of his neck, he pulls gently and somehow it’s hard enough for Neil to go completely loose, he’s like a knotted rope coming undone.

It feels like dropping into the pool behind Allison’s house in the middle of a really, really hot day. A shiver of relief. 

Neil leans forward a bit more and removes one of his hands from the jar and slowly reaches out to touch Andrew’s arm. Andrew pulls away and looks at Neil, his thumb running up and down the back of Neil’s neck, getting tangled in the long strands of hair that have settled there. 

“Nowhere below my shoulder,” Andrew instructs, “Arms are fine.” 

“Okay,” Neil whispers. Andrew lets out a huff of air and then leans back in.

Andrew kisses him and kisses him and kisses him. 

Neil feels light and flushed and he’s _definitely_ not very good at this, but Andrew is patient and gentle and doesn’t push Neil one way or the other. He lets Neil’s hand wander up his arm and settle on his shoulder, he lets Neil trace a line up his neck. Neil hums when Andrew lets out a shiver at the touch. 

This is new. So, so very new and yet so very welcome. He’s never felt this before. He never thought he _could_ feel like this. Neil _really_ should have done research like Dan suggested. He’s more confused now than he has ever been. 

They pull apart but don’t go very far. Andrew keeps his hand tangled in the hair on the back of Neil’s head and Neil lets his fingers trace lines up and down Andrew’s neck. They lean close and stare at each other until they’ve caught their breaths, until Andrew’s face isn’t as pink and flushed. 

“You should let them go,” Andrew says, leaning back so that he can point towards the mason jar of lightning bugs in Neil’s lap. 

“Oh,” Neil says quietly, “Why do you catch them just to let them go?” 

Andrew shrugs. He leans back and gives them both space, reluctantly removing his hand from Neil’s neck.

“Nicky always said we had to. He told us it was okay to look but never to take them away from their home,” Andrew explains, “He used to take Aaron and I when we were younger.” 

Neil wants to ask a thousand questions. He wants to know why Andrew kissed him. He wants to know all about Andrew’s childhood. Why he has scars, wants to know what he was like when he was in high school, middle school, elementary school. He wants to know what it was like living with Nicky, wants to know why him and Aaron rarely talk or acknowledge each other in public. There is so much left to learn about Andrew. Neil wants to know all of it. 

“Okay,” Neil says instead. He raises the jar back up, looks over the small lightning bugs and then opens the top of the jar. The two bugs take a while to fly out but when they do, they take off, flying in circles around each other with their lights blinking in the dark sky. 

Neil closes the lid and places it back on the hood of the car. He looks at Andrew but finds that Andrew is already looking at him. 

“Thank you again,” Neil says, “I needed this.” 

Andrew snorts. He reaches out and pushes the curls of Neil’s hair behind his ear. 

“I’m sure you did,” Andrew says. Neil wants to kiss him again. Realizes that he can.

“Will you kiss me again?” Neil asks. 

Andrew raises an eyebrow and stops his hand, letting it slide down the curve of Neil’s head until it lands on his neck. He squeezes once. 

“Now?” 

Neil pretends to think about it.

“Yes, now.” 

Andrew’s smile is a ghost of a thing but it’s there. It’s real. Neil is honored he has a chance to see it.

Andrew leans forward and kisses him again. 

*

Neil didn’t think anything would change after kissing Andrew. He is still planning to leave at the end of August. He doesn’t think he plans on ever coming back. 

The truth was that something very much _did_ change the moment Andrew kissed him. A part of Neil knew this, a part of Neil was saying it in the back of his head over and over and over again. 

_It’s different now. It’s different now. It’s different now._

How different could it be? 

Matt and Dan pick Neil up to go to the lake a few towns over. The lake is man made with a fake beach and a basketball court, tennis court, and a giant field for playing frisbee. They all arrive one after another. Allison pulls in last with Renee, Jeremy, Kevin, and Jean packed in her pink jeep wrangler. 

Neil brought his swim suit but didn't plan on swimming. The others are dressed pretty much the same. Bright colors and bright cover ups over bathing suits. They pile out of their cars with fold out chairs and bags full of blankets and towels and food. Neil helps Matt carry some of their bags and they find a spot on the fake beach that is big enough for them all to fit. 

“We are going to play frisbee,” Kevin says immediately, as soon as they are all settled, “Now.” 

“Yes!” Jeremy says, jumping up, “Are we picking teams? I want to pick my team.” 

“Fine,” Kevin says. He rolls his eyes but he looks at Jeremy fondly. “You can be captain of team one. Who wants to be captain of team two?” 

“I volunteer Dan,” Allison announces. 

“I second that,” Renee says. 

“You can’t just volunteer people!” Dan complains. She stands up anyway and gives everyone a wolfish grin. Andrew sits down on a fold out chair and pulls a book out of his bag. 

“Andrew you playing?” Dan asks.

“Nope,” Andrew replies, popping the p. Neil is tempted to sit down next to him and stay out of their competitive frisbee game, but is quickly forced into it when Jeremy immediately calls him onto his team. 

“If you’re stealing the fastest then I am stealing the most competent,” Dan says, and then proceeds to call on Kevin. 

“Don’t feed his ego,” Allison warns, “He’s already full of himself.” 

They go through the entire group until they’re at five vs five with Nicky stepping out because they have an uneven number of players. Neil suspects it’s because he doesn’t want to exorcise. Jeremy’s team consists of Neil, Renee, Katelyn, and Jean. While Dan has Kevin, Allison, Aaron, and Matt. The teams are pretty evenly matched. Neil doesn’t know how to play ultimate frisbee but a quick run down from Jeremy has him figuring it out. 

They play two rounds until Kevin and Jean are arguing because apparently they can’t get along in a competitive setting for more than five minutes. Neil escapes their argument and heads back to the beach where Andrew is still hiding under an umbrella. He collapses into the sand beside him.

“Having fun?” Neil asks. He reaches for the cooler and pulls out a can of soda at random, pressing it to the back of his neck to cool down. 

Andrew looks at Neil over the corner of his book and scoffs. 

“More fun than sweating for no reason,” He offers. 

Neil smirks and swipes at his sweaty forehead before reaching out to try and press his sweat covered hand in Andrew’s direction. 

Andrew leans away and smacks him with his book. 

“You’re disgusting,” Andrew says with clear amusement, “Get away from me.” 

“But you _like_ me,” Neil says, leaning forward more, to try and wipe his hand on Andrew’s arm, “Lying about it doesn’t work on me anymore.” 

Andrew groans and swats Neil with the book again and Neil laughs. 

The others join them soon after. Kevin and Jean quickly make up and then immediately go to the lake with Renee and Allison close behind. Dan and Matt start pulling out the picnic they had put together for everyone. Neil leans back against the side of Andrew’s chair and tries to hide his smile in his arm when Andrew reaches out and pushes the wet curls off of Neil’s forehead before pulling away.

“You really are disgusting,” Andrew says shortly. Neil just hides his face in his forearm to hide the obvious look of delight from prying eyes. 

Katelyn pulls Nicky into the water with her and Aaron sits down in the chair beside Andrew with a can of soda. 

“Dan says water park next week,” Aaron says. Neil is confused until he realizes Aaron is talking to him and not Andrew. Neil can’t even remember how many times Aaron has ever really even acknowledged Neil’s existence before, let alone talk to him.

“Oh,” Neil says, “Okay. Sounds good.” 

Aaron shrugs. “Katelyn is excited, so is Nicky.” 

“If we’re lucky one or more of them will drown,” Andrew offers, returning to his book. 

Aaron shakes his head and for a second Neil is worried he is going to say something rude back, but he looks amused, clearly knowing that Andrew is joking. 

“Hopefully it’s me,” Aaron says. Andrew snorts and then says, “I’ll cross my fingers.” 

Neil rolls his eyes and turns in time to see Dan holding out a bowl of fruit for him. Neil takes it and smiles at her. A real smile. A warm smile. Dan’s own smile grows twice as large. She ruffles his hair and then pulls away to get more food out. 

Neil wishes July would last forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DONT LIGHT FIREWORKS IN YOUR BACKYARD OK IT'S DANGEROUS 
> 
> Anyway it’s been a whole ass month since I posted chapter 1. I am so sorry. Can’t believe I am posting the July chapter in August. It be like that sometimes. 
> 
> I probably don't need to tell y'all this but, I did not edit. We die like men.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @stjosten.


	3. August

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for this chapter there are mentions of violence in association with nightmares and more scars are talked about.

Neil can’t really remember a time in his life when he had more fun or was happier. July was probably the best month of his life. Spending time with this group of chaotic strangers, people that have somehow managed to become his friends, against all odds, has been the best time of his life. It’s a definite plus that he gained Andrew out of the mix as well, a person that doesn’t think less of Neil because of what has happened to him, a person that treats him like an equal instead of making him feel like a struggling child. 

Even with all of this, Neil still knows that he has a choice to make when August is over. He gave Stuart the entire summer, Neil was seeing it through, he just hadn’t anticipated meeting a group of strangers that would worm their way into his life and throw his entire plan out the window. 

The end of July was bittersweet for many reasons. They visited the water park several times the last two weeks of July. Neil enjoyed the spirited way Jeremy and Kevin rode the largest and most intimidating rides. Andrew wasn’t as thrilled by the entire affair. He went on one trip to the water park and then quickly dismissed the idea of him going again. 

With the carnival officially closed and Andrew’s only jobs being the bar and a part time gig at a bookstore in town, Andrew had more time to spend with the group than ever before. Neil enjoyed it. He likes spending time with the rest of the group, and he never complained when one or more of them showed up to drag him out of the house, but it was different with Andrew.

The world is quiet more often than not. Andrew seems to know how to keep Neil settled, like a tethering line that goes straight down to the center of the Earth. Andrew made it very clear that he didn’t want to be Neil’s answer, told him that he wasn’t going to fix him, but sometimes it was easier to fix yourself when you had someone there to give a helpful push every once in a while. 

No matter how nice things are, no matter how settled and _happy_ Neil finally feels, it didn’t change the fact that summer is ending. It didn’t change the fact that August is here and that September would soon follow and that there was a decision that Neil had already decided to make before he really gave himself time and a chance to consider his options.

It is partially his pride that is keeping him from changing his mind. That and his stubbornness. _That_ and the never ending nightmares that are continuing to plague him, even when he felt settled and comfortable. He still dreamt of his father, he still imagined Lola and Jackson and Romero pulling up to Stuart’s house and dismantling the entire life that Neil had managed to put together here. 

The fear is familiar, but it hits him a bit differently knowing what he could lose. He hadn’t planned on getting so close. Didn’t plan on making _friends_. People that he could lose. People that didn’t deserve to be put through something so traumatic. 

Neil has his duffel bag packed and for the first time in his life he didn’t pack it for running. 

Allison had put in a few phone calls and reserved them a spot on a camping ground in the mountains. It was part of Dan’s summer plan apparently, forcing them all on a two week long camping trip to the woods in the middle of nowhere. Neil has never been camping before, but this was surprising to no one, there were a lot of things that Neil has never done before. He’s starting to change that. 

Stuart is in the kitchen when Neil gets a text from Andrew that he is there to pick him up. Neil hasn’t had a chance to tell Stuart about the trip, a part of him wanted to keep it a secret. Everytime Neil mentioned going out with the group, Stuart would give him a knowing look that set Neil’s anxiety on edge. 

This time he knows he has to tell him. There was no way that Neil could just disappear for a week without making Stuart worry, he would probably end up calling his FBI handler if he wasn’t careful. 

Neil drops his duffel bag by the front door and sends Andrew a quick text letting him know that he’ll be out in a minute. He goes into the kitchen and braces himself.

“Hey,” Neil says. Stuart is half way through chopping a cucumber. He pauses and looks over at Neil, placing the knife down and then wiping his hands off on his hand-towel.

“Hel-lo,” Stuart says, he turns completely and leans against the counter to give Neil his full attention, “I was just making a cucumber salad. Good for the heat wave we have coming in next week.” 

“Right,” Neil says, “Sounds, um, sounds good.” 

Stuart gives him a curious look and tilts his head to the side but doesn’t say anything, even though Neil can tell that he really wants to ask. 

“I’m going away for two weeks,” Neil says, ripping the band-aid off, “I forgot to tell you.”

“Oh,” Stuart says, surprised, like he wasn’t expecting that to be what Neil wanted to talk about. Neil supposes that it is wishful thinking. “When?” 

Neil looks over his shoulder towards the window and sees Andrew’s car idling by the curb. 

“Like now,” Neil says, and it sounds like an apology, his voice raising an octave as he speaks.

“Huh,” Stuart lets out, “Where to?” 

“The mountains,” Neil replies unhelpfully. 

“The mountains,” Stuart deadpans, “Care to elaborate?”

“No.” Then Neil sighs and adds, “I’m going with friends.” 

“Friends?” Stuart asks, looking smug. 

Neil sucks in a breath and thinks of a million ways to take back the words but the damage is already done. They _are_ his friends. What is the point in hiding?

“Yeah,” Neil says, “Friends.” 

Stuart continues to look smug and Neil scowls at him. 

“Don’t,” Neil says, “Just don’t.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Stuart offers, raising his hands in surrender, “You’re the one who used the F word.” 

_The F word_. As if it is some type of swear. It might as well be. Up until recently, maybe even today, Neil had refused to acknowledge that this group was slowly becoming his _friends_. He has them now anyway, they _chose_ him, they _keep_ choosing him.

“I know what it sounds like,” Neil says, “It doesn’t change anything.” 

Stuart sighs and it’s a harsh and longing sound that makes Neil repress a flinch. 

“You are just like your mother,” He laments, “She was just as stubborn if not more so. She always had to be right and _always_ had to have the last word.” He sighs again and it’s sadder than the one before, more profound. “She would have forced you to keep running if she-” 

Stuart stops and rubs a hand over his face. He stands up straight, gives Neil a hard, meaningful look and says, “I want what’s best with you. I meant it when I said I wouldn’t stop you come the end of August, but I really think that you should stay. You deserve more than you’ve been given, Neil. You deserve a real chance at a life, not some half-assed version of a life that my sister tried to give you.” 

Neil’s eyes widen but he doesn’t say anything. Stuart looks lost in thought for a moment, his mind most likely playing over thoughts and memories that have been long since buried under piles of rubble. 

“It might not always be perfect. I know it’s hard. I know that you have nightmares and that you can’t stop thinking of what-if scenarios, but I _promise_ that it will get better. Someday you’ll wake up and you won’t even think about _him_ or that damned house at all,” Stuart says, “I know you want to leave. I know that you _think_ it’s the right decision, but I think that you should stay.”

He turns away, back towards his half-chopping cucumbers like he hadn’t just bared his soul out, naked and shivering, for Neil to see. 

“I’ll make a decision when I get back,” Neil offers quietly, “Is that enough?” 

Stuart pauses with his hand over the cucumber. He looks back and nods. 

“It’s more than enough,” Stuart says, “It’s all I ask.” 

“Okay,” Neil replies, “Fine.” 

Neil turns away and starts towards the kitchen door, pausing when he gets to the doorway before looking back and saying, “I’ll see you in two weeks, Uncle Stuart.” Another pause and then, “Thanks.” 

He quickly leaves before Stuart can say anything to him. He rushes over to his duffel bag, hoists it over his shoulder and leaves the house. He locks the door behind and doesn’t look back as he makes his way over to Andrew’s car. 

The front seat is empty and Andrew leans over the center counsel to push it open for him. 

“Thanks,” Neil says softly.

“Bag in the back,” Andrew instructs. Neil rolls his eyes, wants to say that he can sit with the bag under his feet but he doesn’t argue. He steps away from the car, goes to the trunk, opens it, and then shoves his bag in with the other pieces of luggage until it fits. As soon as he’s done, he gets into the front seat and smiles. 

“Hello,” Neil says. Andrew rolls his eyes at him but he looks sort of fond, Neil enjoys the light bubbling in his stomach that always comes with Andrew’s attention. 

“Hi, Neil!” Nicky says from the backseat, he leans forward and wraps his arms around Neil’s head rest, but carefully tries not to bump his hands against Neil’s head. 

“Hi, Nicky,” Neil says softly. Katelyn and Aaron are also tucked in the back seat. Katelyn in the middle. Aaron looks bored and gives Neil a curt nod before pointedly looking out the window. 

Katelyn isn’t as quiet. 

“Are you excited?” She asks, “I love camping. The first time we went Matt dunked Aaron into the lake on the campgrounds.” 

“I had my phone in my pocket,” Aaron complains with a huff, “He's such an asshole.” 

Katelyn laughs and pats her boyfriend on the leg soothingly. 

“Don’t worry, babe,” she coos, “He _probably_ won’t do it again.” 

“Probably,” Aaron says but it sounds like he knows that it will happen again.

“I’m not a fan of camping but neither is Allison,” Nicky says, “So she rented out a spot with cabins.” 

Neil is sort of relieved they won’t be camping in actual tents. There _is_ a heatwave coming, he’s sure they would melt without some type of shelter. 

“Cool,” Neil says, “I’ve never stayed in a cabin before.” 

He hasn’t, at least not one that he was allowed to be in. It was between shitty motels and abandoned houses when he was on the run with his mother. There was one cabin in Indiana that he remembers they stayed in, it was small and the ceiling was darkened with mold. He didn’t sleep that night, or most of those nights on the run. 

Andrew pokes at Neil’s stomach and Neil jumps and looks over at him. Andrew’s expression gives little to nothing away, but Neil can see the smallest amount of concern in his eyes. He noticed Neil slipping into his own head and managed to pull him back out without causing a scene. Neil’s appreciation for Andrew burned like a brush fire. 

“We better get going,” Nicky says, he releases the back of Neil’s chair and moves into his own seat, “We’re going to be the last ones there.” 

Andrew nods and turns back to face the road. They drive for a while in relative quiet, jumping on the highway and starting the three hour drive towards the mountains. Nicky talks on and off about anything and everything. At one point Katelyn manages to convince everyone to play a car game, something about calling out letters of the alphabet as you see them. Andrew and Neil don’t really play along but Neil finds himself smiling whenever Katelyn beats Nicky or Aaron to a word and they both let out annoyed sighs. 

About an hour into the ride they all receive a text from the group chat calling for a short stop at one of the rest areas on the highway. Nicky instructs them to the right exit and they pull up next to Allison’s jeep and Matt’s pick up truck. Everyone is standing in the parking lot waiting for them. 

Neil stays back from the group but doesn’t protest when Dan gives him a hug in passing and Matt ruffles his hair and Allison calls him Baby Blue. He stays close to Andrew because he wants to and sits down next to Renee at the edge of the table. 

They bicker and argue, Allison complaining that they all drive like grandmas and Matt shrugging it off telling her that he would rather be safe than sorry. Jeremy leans his head on Jean’s shoulder and nearly falls asleep right at the table, only being kept awake by Allison reaching out to flick him in the forehead with a fry. 

When they’re refueled in more ways than one, they get back in their respective cars and start the rest of the journey to the campgrounds. They very quickly lose Allison in the bustle of the highway, and Neil finally figures out how she managed to be ahead of them on the road by a solid twenty minutes. 

The backseat falls quiet somewhere around the two and a half hour mark. Neil leans his head on the side of his seat and sneaks a peek into the back, seeing that all three are in fact asleep, their heads lulling together on Katelyn’s shoulders. 

Neil smiles and looks back over to Andrew, who has been studiously quiet since they got back in the car. Neil reaches out and taps his finger against the stick shift in a silent question. 

Andrew doesn’t look away from the road, but one of his hands leaves the wheel and intently catches Neil’s hand over the stick shift. Their fingers tangle together like roots of an old oak tree. Neil tries to smother his giddy smile in his free hand, but he knows that it doesn’t matter, the smile has already reached his eyes. 

They hold hands over the stick shift until they reach their exit. Andrew pulls away and then gestures towards the backseat, telling Neil that he has the honors of waking up the sleeping occupants. Neil leans over the back of his seat and gently bops Nicky in the head. Nicky jolts awake and then rubs at his eyes as he blearily takes in the surroundings. 

“Are we close?” He asks, voice groggy.

“About fifteen minutes,” Andrew replies, his voice bland, “Wake up the other idiots.” 

Katelyn wakes up easily and sweetly, which isn’t completely surpring, Aaron groans and tries to bury his face in Katelyn’s shoulder so he can go back asleep, but she very kindly pushes him off and presses his face against the cold window beside him. 

“Wakey, wakey,” She says, “Don’t fall back asleep.” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Aaron says, already sounding one step towards the edge of passing out again. 

The campgrounds are set so far back in the woods that Neil, once again, wonders if Andrew has brought them here to murder them. He almost jokingly asks, but Andrew has already seen his joke coming. He just gives Neil an unimpressed glare and a raised eyebrow that has Neil pressing a hand to his mouth so he can stop himself from laughing. 

They reach the front offices and park next to Allison’s jeep. Everyone has already arrived, the back of both cars are open and they managed to spread out between the bed of the truck and the back of Allison’s jeep. The only person that isn’t in view is Allison, who is most likely in the office getting their keys.

Katelyn pushes Aaron out of the car and Nicky follows them. Neil lingers back with Andrew for a second, watching the other’s drag Katelyn and Nicky in for hugs when they are close enough. 

“What do you think?” Andrew asks, the first real thing he has said to Neil since he got in the car just over three hours ago. 

“I don’t know,” Neil says, “I’ve never done anything like this before.” 

“There are a million things you haven’t done before,” Andrew comments. 

“It sort of reminds me of when I was on the road with my mom,” Neil says quietly, “We used to stay in nondescript places, set far back from major roads and highways. Anywhere that kept us well hidden.” 

Andrew is quiet, contemplative. He chews on the inside of his lip and then says, “There is no reason to hide anymore.” 

Neil wishes there wasn’t. 

“Maybe,” He says shortly. Andrew doesn’t look convinced. He reaches out and hooks a finger into the collar of Neil’s t-shirt and tugs just enough for Neil to feel. 

Andrew opens his mouth to say something but there is a knock on Neil’s window that has him jumping out of his skin. He turns around to see Matt apologetically waving through the glass. 

“Sorry,” Matt says, his voice muffled, “We’re going to move to the cabins now. We can drive up there. Just follow us, okay?” 

Neil looks to Andrew who nods and waves Matt off. Katelyn, Aaron, and Nicky deposit themselves back into the car, none of them bothering to buckle up as they follow Allison through the windy unpaved roads towards their cabins. 

The cabins are small and stacked in neat roads on either side of the unpaved stretch of road. The woods are thick around them and Neil looks through the trees longingly. He can probably go for a run in the morning, or maybe later today after they get settled. Running through the woods is a cathartic experience, especially when no one is chasing him. 

Allison parks beside a cabin and Matt and Andrew pull in after her. Everyone gets out of their cars, grabs their bags, and moves over to the cabins. They split into three groups. Allison, Renee, Jeremy, Kevin, and Jean in one cabin. Matt, Dan, and Nicky in their own cabin and Neil, Andrew, Aaron, and Katelyn in the last cabin. All three cabins are close together and Matt even jokes that he’ll be able to hear someone sneeze from a cabin away. 

Neil ignores the implications of Allison wiggling her eyebrows and suggesting everyone sleep with earplugs. That is something that Neil does not want to question or even think about really, so he ignores Allison and follows Andrew into their cabin. 

It’s very small and only really has a few bunk beds and a loft space over a mini kitchen and bathroom. Andrew claims a bottom bunk and then grabs Neil’s bag and throws it on the bunk above him. Nicky goes for the bed across from them, leaving Aaron and Katelyn to the loft. 

“I swear if I hear anything nefarious from you two,” Nicky warns with a firm point of his finger, “I am going to drive myself home and leave you here.” 

Aaron throws a stray pillow down from the loft and hits Nicky square in the head. 

“Wow, rude,” Nicky says. He lifts the pillow and throws it back up at them. 

The beds are already made with soft sheets and a thin blanket. Neil sits down on Andrew’s bunk and bounces experimentally. 

“It’s soft,” he comments. Andrew rolls his eyes and picks up his back, stuffing it under the bed and then falling into the spot next to Neil. 

It’s warm in the cabin but there is an AC stuck in the wall and there is a large overhead fan that’s currently spinning in lazy circles. Andrew leans back against the wall and tucks his legs underneath himself. He looks warm and soft in his soft cotton t-shirt. Neil has the sudden urge to reach out and push his fingers through Andrew’s hair. 

He doesn’t understand the impulse. It’s nonsensical really, it isn’t something he’s ever considered doing with another person before. But Neil thinks that Andrew is the exception to a lot of things in his life. The person that he confides in, the person that he trusts, the person that holds his attraction. 

Neil did in fact have a chance to do some research. He googled asexuality and then laid out in the backyard of his Uncle’s house on his stomach with his phone hidden in the shade so he could read over the hundreds of articles he had found online. All of them made sense, all of the personal experiences had some whisper of similarities to Neil’s own feelings towards sex.

There was a word for the way that Neil felt. Demisexuality was something that he replayed in his mind over and over and over again. One night in July, under the night time sky with their friends just a few feet away, Neil told Andrew. 

Andrew reacted the way that Andrew reacts to everything, which is that he really doesn’t. He just soaked in Neil’s words, ruminated on them, and then pulled Neil in for a kiss. It was as simple as that. 

There are still a lot of things about Neil that Andrew doesn’t know, and vice versa, but Neil thinks that half of the fun is figuring things out along the way. It’s like unwrapping a gift box with infinite wrapping. Somewhere along the way it wasn’t about the gift anymore because each layer was something precious. Something that Neil would never take for granted. 

“We’re going to see what the other’s half planned for tonight,” Katelyn says, climbing down from the loft with Aaron close behind her, “Do you have anything you want to do?” 

“Oh I’ll go with you,” Nicky chimes.

“It doesn’t matter,” Neil adds, “We’re okay with anything.” 

“Kay,” Katelyn says cheerily, “See y’all in a bit.” 

“See you,” Neil offers. 

As soon as the door clicks shut, Neil turns to face Andrew and finds him already watching. 

“Do you have anything you want to do tonight?” Neil asks lightly. Andrew rolls his eyes. 

“Not particularly.” 

“Not a fan of camping.” 

“Not really a fan of anything,” Andrew says. To anyone else it would sound like an off-handed and bored comment. To Neil it sounds like a joke. 

“Sure,” Neil says, leaning forward. He pokes Andrew’s cheek and in return Andrew reaches out to catch his hand and keep him still. “I’m very convinced.” 

“Shut up,” Andrew replies petulantly. Neil smirks and tries to wiggle his hand free but Andrew just grips tighter. 

“We can share a bunk if you want,” Neil says, it’s mostly a joke but Neil doesn’t think he would say no if Andrew asked. 

“Idiot,” Andrew says gently. Neil almost misses the faint strip of pink across Andrew’s cheeks, but he catches sight of it just in time before Andrew is tugging him forward by his hand and kissing him senseless. 

*

The days are long and the nights are short, which is very indicative of summer, but it’s still a nice feeling to have so much daylight to do whatever they want. The first few days were spent lazing around the campground or going to the lake and swimming. 

Neil leaves the cabin in the early hours of the morning for a hike with Kevin, Renee, and Jeremy. Everyone is still sleeping, but Andrew, who wakes with the slightest noise, watches him leave with sleepy eyes and ruffled hair. Neil doesn’t even try to stop himself from reaching out and pushing Andrew’s hair out of his face. Andrew just huffed at him and swatted him away. 

Hiking with Renee and Jeremy is always nice, they had done it several times in July. They were quiet and always friendly and never pushed Neil past his own limits. In turn he didn’t push them, seeing as he could probably hike the same trail at twice the speed. It was a different world Neil lived in now, he no longer ran because it was necessary, he ran for fun, hiked through treacherous hills and mountains for sport rather than out of necessity. Somehow Renee and Jeremy helped associate hiking and jogging with leisure rather than a means to an end. 

Kevin on the other hand was a competitive and very intense person to hike or run with. He pushed them harder and farther than they had originally planned to go. By the end of the hike, Renee was panting, Jeremy was swearing up a storm, and Neil was sweating straight through his t-shirt. 

They went back to the cabins and Neil gave Kevin more attitude than he should have just because he was annoyed and sweaty. Jeremy clung to Kevin like a koala to a tree and Kevin only complained about the sweat once before he took both Jeremy and Renee’s weight, one of them in each arm. 

“We’re going to the lake after a shower,” Jeremy announces, “Meet us out here in like twenty minutes.” 

“Okay,” Neil says back. He watches them stumble into the cabin and then hears Allison complain about how much they stink through the closed door. 

Neil shakes his head and let’s himself into his own cabin. Nicky is laying on his stomach in the middle of the floor, a set of cards in hand, with Aaron and Andrew across from him. Renee has one of Aaron’s feet in her lap and is currently painting his nails a dark shade of blue. Neil catches the same color on Andrew’s fingernails. 

“Good hike?” Katelyn asks, looking up from her work. 

Neil shrugs. “Kevin is sort of impossible when it comes to physical activity. I think Renee and Jeremy will be sore in the morning.” 

“Oh I _bet_ they will,” Nicky says jokingly, wiggling his eyebrows at his own joke. 

Neil nods slowly. “Yeah. That’s why I said it.” 

Aaron sighs and Katelyn giggles. Neil missed something, missed the joke, or maybe he just doesn’t understand the punch line. 

“You’re so _cute_ ,” Katelyn says happily.

“What?” Neil spits out. 

“Just go shower,” Andrew cuts in, stopping them all, “You reek.” 

“Thanks, asshole,” Neil shoots back. He steps over Aaron and Katelyn and grabs his bag from under the bunk bed, pulling out a change of clothes and a pair of swim trunks. 

“We’re going to the lake in like twenty minutes,” Neil tells them, “Just so you know.” 

“Got it,” Nicky says. He puts down a set of three cards and Aaron groans. 

“You’re cheating!” He accuses, “There is no way you have this many sets!” 

“How would one cheat at Rummy 500?” Andrew asks. 

“I don’t know,” Aaron complains, “He just is.” 

Neil shakes his head and heads into the bathroom, listening to the sounds of Nicky laughing maniacally behind him.

He showers uickly and efficiently and then changes into his swim trunks and a loose fitting t-shirt. When he steps back out of the shower he finds that the card game has been cleaned up and only Andrew is left in the cabin.

He’s lounging on the bed with a book in hand. Neil walks over to him and throws his towel and clothing into a pile by the bed. 

“You should hang that up,” Andrew says, pointing down at the wet towel on the floor. 

“Maybe,” Neil says. 

Andrew sighs and closes his book, marking his spot with a thin pink bookmark. He stands up and grabs the towel, taking it over to the bathroom and hanging it up on a hook inside the door. 

“You’re helpless,” He says as soon as he’s back in the room. Neil falls into the bottom bunk and picks up Andrew’s book, he flips it over and then sighs. It’s a crime novel, the kind that Andrew always seemed to love. Neil reads the back and hums. 

“Very dramatic,” Neil says, waving the book in Andrew’s direction, “Just like you.” 

“Rude,” Andrew says. He places one knee on the side of the bed and then leans forward to press a feather light kiss to the back of Neil’s neck. 

Neil leans back, let’s his head fall into the pillow that’s still warm from Andrew’s head. He drops the book off the side of the bed and smiles when Andrew gives him an annoyed look. 

“Needy,” Andrew comments. Neil smiles and hums, reaching out to push one of his hands into Andrew’s disheveled blonde hair. 

“I know,” Neil says softly. Andrew leans forward and kisses him. 

“Guys!” Nicky’s voice calls through the door. Andrew lets out a quiet groan as he pulls away. “We’re leaving!” 

“Come on,” Andrew says, he sits up completely and then stands off the side of the bed, taking one of Neil’s hands and pulling him up with him.

Neil thinks about going. He thinks about the lake and the laughter, thinks about Dan and Matt giving him sliced watermelon and then laughing when Jeremy sprays him with a water gun. Then Neil thinks about staying. He thinks about Andrew pushing him into the bed, thinks about the weight of him on his hips, thinks about his lips against his skin. 

“Can we wait,” Neil says. He makes a decision. A big decision. One that he wasn’t sure he was ready to make until just now. 

Andrew gives him a curious look and then nods. He goes to the door, pushes it open, and then tells Nicky that they are staying a little while longer and that they will meet them later. He gets a quiet _okay_ in response, then closes the door and turns the lock. 

Neil sucks in a breath when Andrew looks back at him. His eyes are darkened with something Neil has never seen before, something that sets the usual flutter of wings to life in his stomach. This time it is accompanied by a quiet burning, one that starts like a smolder of dried leaves and then roars to life when Andrew takes a step closer. 

“What is it?” Andrew asks. 

Neil fidgets with the hem of his t-shirt. He wishes he had more time, in fact he wishes he had all of the time in the world. He wants to tell Andrew all of his secrets, wants Andrew to tell him all of his in return. 

Neil lifts his hands to the back of his shirt and tugs, pulling the shirt up and over his head and then lets it drop down to the floor of the cabin. 

It isn’t pretty. Neil knows this. He’s sure that Andrew feels the same way, but he’s too afraid to look at Andrew’s face for a reaction. He doesn’t want to see the disgust, the shock. Andrew steps forward again, Neil watches him from the waist down, watches him come to a stop just an inch away. 

“Can I?” Andrew asks. Neil looks up in time to see one of Andrew’s hands extended outwards towards Neil’s chest. Neil sucks in a breath and then nods. 

The only people that have touched Neil’s scars were himself, his mother, and the doctors that sorted him out when he had been brought in back in Baltimore. 

This is very different from those touches. Andrew touches Neil with a firm touch that can’t be mistaken for anyone else’s. He presses his fingers into the long, bubbling scars across Neil’s stomach. He presses his thumb into the dip of the bullet wound that had healed so long ago. 

Neil lets out a startled breath when Andrew leans forward and presses his lips to the iron burn on Neil’s shoulder. Andrew pulls back, probably thinking that it was a bad reaction, but Neil reaches out and grips the back of Andrew’s head. He squeezes once and then loosens his hold. 

“It’s okay,” Neil whispers.

“Are all of these from your father,” Andrew asks, his voice muffled from where his lips are once again pressed into Neil’s skin.

“No,” Neil admits, “There were others.” 

“How many?” Andrew pulls back but doesn’t remove his hands from Neil’s skin. One hand runs up his front and then wraps around Neil’s neck. He puts the barest amount of pressure there, but it isn’t enough to scare Neil. It feels good, grounding even.

“Three,” Neil admits, “Other than my father.” 

The face Andrew makes is the closest thing to anger that Neil has ever seen from him. Neil sucks in a breath and then twists his hand in Andrew’s hair to try and draw him back to the present.

“It’s okay,” Neil whispers, “It’s okay.” 

“It isn’t,” Andrew says, “Who told you it was okay?” 

Neil shakes his head. “No one-”

“Then why do you say it,” Andrew asks, “Why do you believe it?” 

Neil shakes his head again. “I don’t-” he stops, “I don’t know.” 

“That’s a shit answer,” Andrew says, “You need to know that what they did to you was not okay. Do you understand? It was _not_ okay and it is okay to _not_ be okay.” 

Neil’s lungs constrict and suddenly his feelings for Andrew _burn_ like a pool of oil that has been set on fire. 

“I know,” Neil says.

“Do you?” 

“Yes,” Neil says, “I know now.” 

Andrew doesn’t look particularly convinced but he nods and then moves his hand to the back of Neil’s neck and rubs his thumb along the sensitive skin just below his hairline. 

“I was in foster care,” Andrew admits, “For a long time before I met Aaron and Nicky.” 

“Oh,” Neil says softly, “How did you end up in foster care?” 

Andrew doesn’t look bothered by the question. Neil still feels like it might have been insensitive to ask. 

“Mother dearest didn’t want kids. She gave us both up but went back when she had a change of heart. Instead of asking for both she asked for one,” Andrew explains, “I don’t know who had it worse.” 

“Was it bad in foster care?” Neil asks, which is a stupid questions because it was _foster care_ it couldn’t have been _good_. 

Andrew looks like he doesn’t know how to reply. Which is a first. He always knew what to say. This is enough to give Neil pause, to think that maybe this isn’t something Andrew is ready to talk about yet. 

“You don’t have to,” Neil starts but Andrew shakes his head to stop him.

“I’ll tell you,” Andrew replies, “Just not today.” 

“Okay,” Neil says softly. Andrew looks exasperated, he lets out a deep breath and then tugs Neil forward with the hand on the back of his neck. 

“I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone,” Andrew says. Neil hears the echo of Kevin saying the same words on the basketball court. Of Matt telling him to trust them in the pick up truck after the drive in movie. “Not anymore. Okay?” 

“Okay,” Neil replies. Andrew nods and then pulls him into a kiss. 

Andrew has one hand on Neil’s abdomen and the other around the back of his neck. He pulls their bodies closer but not close enough to touch, the only points of contact being their lips, Andrew’s hands, and Neil’s hand nestled on the back of Andrew’s head. 

They kiss and Neil feels his limbs start to come loose. They kiss and his heart starts to kick into overdrive. They kiss and Neil suddenly wants _more_. 

Andrew seems to catch on. His hand moves to Neil’s hip, his grip tightens, he kisses a bit more firmly, and then he’s pulling back and asking Neil yes or no, his hand tracing the curve of Neil’s hip to the edge of his swim trunks. 

Neil’s breathing picks up and he has just enough breath left to say yes before Andrew is pulling down his pants and taking Neil into his hand. Neil presses his face into the curve of Andrew’s neck and tries to smother the embarrassing noises he’s making. Andrew doesn’t stop him. The hand on the back of his neck reaches up into curls and he somehow manages to pull Neil closer and then he kisses the skin behind Neil’s ear and then he starts to suck a bruise into Neil’s shoulder. 

It’s impossible to think that Neil would enjoy this with anyone else. He knows he wouldn’t, he knows that he probably wouldn’t be able to get hard if it was anyone else touching him, but this is Andrew and Andrew is the exception. Always the exception. 

Neil rides the waves and lets Andrew pull him over the edge. He goes willingly. He _wants_ this. He can _have_ this. 

Andrew keeps him close while Neil comes down, gently carding his hands through Neil’s hair, gently pressing kisses to his skin. When they pull apart Neil feels like an untethered balloon that is threatening to be blown away with the wind. Andrew grounds him, holding down until he can breath easily again. 

“Do you want me to-?” Neil half asks, gesturing downwards. Andrew snorts and looks more amused than Neil thinks he should be at the moment. 

“What?” Neil huffs out, slightly embarrassed that Andrew doesn’t trust him to return the favor.

“Nothing,” Andrew says, shaking his head, “It’s fine.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Not today,” Andrew says. He punctuates his point with a firm kiss and then pulls back, “This was for you.” 

Neil bites his bottom lip to stop himself from saying something _really_ stupid and nods. Andrew shakes his head again and steps away, leaving a healthy few inches of space between them. 

“Clean up,” Andrew says, before disappearing into the bathroom. Neil sighs and grabs paper towels from the kitchen to clean himself off with water from the sink. When Andrew comes back out ten minutes later he looks flushed and sated. He gives Neil a long look before kissing him senseless and then tugging him out of the cabin. 

“Where are we going?” Neil asks. 

Andrew snorts. “The lake, idiot.” 

_Right. The lake._

“I forgot,” Neil says with laughter on his lips. 

“Clearly,” Andrew muses.

Neil laughs and this time he doesn’t try to smother it or hide it. He laughs and he tugs on Andrew’s hand and keeps him close. Andrew gives him the usual ghost of a smile and Neil thinks about how nice it would be to taste the laughter on Andrew’s lips. So he kisses him just to see what it would feel like. 

It feels like home.

*

The heat wave hits on the second week and it hits them _hard_. Their group ends up splitting into their own cabins for most of the day, hiding inside with the air conditioning on full blast. Allison texts the group chat every morning to complain and Nicky reads every text out loud with intense drama and punctuation. It always manages to send Katelyn into a fit of giggles.

With the heatwave comes a new wave of nightmares that leave Neil waking up sweating for more than one reason. He doesn’t try to bring attention to them. He wakes up from a nightmare and tries to be as still as possible, unwilling to push that burden onto Andrew when he knows that Andrew deals with something much the same. 

Every nightmare is a little bit different but they all share the same theme. Someone finds him. Sometimes it’s Lola, sometimes it’s Romero, sometimes it’s Jackson, and the worst nightmares it’s all of them. They always find him. They always manage to get him in a car. They drive him back to Baltimore. They force him into the basement where his father has murdered countless innocent people. They cut him open with knives, sometimes burn him with lighters. He wakes up right when they go to cut his throat. 

It isn’t healthy, probably, Neil knows this. The grief counselor in the hospital had walked him through dealing with his nightmares in a healthy way, reminded him over and over that they were just that, nightmares. That they weren’t real. But with the heat setting in, in an unfamiliar place, sometimes it’s hard to pull himself back out of the nightmares that are plaguing him. 

He keeps his secrets tight to his chest. Walks around with a worried step, keeps himself out of touch whenever it’s possible. If his friends notice then they say nothing, if Andrew notices then he says nothing. Neil doesn’t know if it’s a good or bad thing that he’s able to keep it so bottled up. Either way he’s glad that none of them ask. He doesn’t think that he would be able to handle it if they did. 

The heat wave breaks two nights before the end of their trip. Neil and Andrew spend that night laying in between the cabins, star gazing. Andrew kisses Neil gently, softly, and then runs his fingers through Neil’s hair and keeps him close. That night Andrew tells Neil everything. From foster care, to the Spear household, to the countless people that took advantage of him when he was too small to fight back. Andrew tells Neil about meeting Aaron, about juvie and then about moving in with Tilda. It ends with a car accident. With Nicky becoming their legal guardian, moving back from Germany with Erik so that he can take care of Andrew and Aaron. 

It’s a long story, a heart wrenching story and by the end of it Neil can see the relief on Andrew’s face, can see the way that Andrew relaxes when Neil doesn’t pull away. They stay close after that, barely touching. Neil wonders why Andrew trusts him so much. He wants to ask but doesn’t know how, doesn’t know if it would be welcome. 

They go back into the cabin to sleep and Andrew pulls Neil down into his bunk and covers them both with the thin blanket. Under the covers, hiding from the rest of the world, Andrew whispers, “I thought I knew better than to do this again.” 

“What do you mean?” Neil asks. Andrew just shakes his head and pulls Neil forward to tuck his face against the curve of Andrew’s neck.

“It’s nothing. Go to sleep,” Andrew whispers.

That is the only night that the nightmares don’t come back to haunt him.

*

Neil is on edge the entire last night of their cabin trip. He walks around the others and tries not to give away the aching anxiety that he’s feeling in his chest. It is the same sensation he had when he first arrived at Uncle Stuart’s house. An ending. A beginning. He thinks his skin is too tight, thinks that the air in the cabin is thicker than it was before. The nightmare he had last night has left a tingling sensation just under his skin. His arms _burn_. His heart _burns_. 

They ring in the last night of their trip with a bonfire, a large and boisterous event at the fire pit on the campgrounds. Kevin, Jeremy, and Allison are two sheets to the wind before the sun has even started to set. Renee keeps forcing water into their hands and Jean watches them and then laughs when Renee collapses back into his lap after stopping one of them from doing something stupid. 

“So when we get back,” Dan says, “We’re thinking that we can take one more trip to the water park before it closes.” 

Aaron groans and Katelyn pats him calmly on the back. 

“You don’t have to go,” Katelyn says. Aaron just shakes his head. He would go, but that’s because he would do practically anything if it would make Katelyn happy. 

“After that we have,” Dan starts, scrolling through her phone to check their list, “Blueberry picking, renaissance fair, and another fishing day.” 

“So much planned for just two weeks,” Nicky complains, “I’m sure we can find more things to do before you go Neil.” 

_Before you go, before you go, before you go_.

Andrew goes tense beside Neil and honestly, Neil feels like someone just dumped a bucket of ice water over his head. He tries to reel in his reaction, but the damage is done. Nicky looks horrified and Dan looks between the two of them sadly. 

“Sorry,” Nicky says, “I’m sure you’re upset about leaving. I didn’t mean to-” He stops and then shakes his head. “Sorry.” 

Neil recovers faster than Andrew. 

“It’s fine,” Neil promises, “It’s the truth.” 

Andrew stands up from his spot and walks to the other side of the fire so he can grab a drink from the cooler. Instead of coming back he takes a seat beside Jean and Renee and starts talking to them quietly. Neil feels guilty. He shouldn’t have let himself get so close to Andrew. To any of them. 

What was it that Andrew said to him back in June? That if the others wanted to have their heartbroken when Neil left then they could make that decision themselves. Neil never lied to them, never lied to Andrew. They always knew that he would leave when September came around. 

It still doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right. Neil wants to dig his heels into the ground and say _I want to stay_ , but he doesn’t. He told Uncle Stuart that he would think about his choice when he came back from the trip. The trip wasn’t over yet. He doesn’t have to think about it until then. 

“Hey,” Dan says softly, “Let’s talk about something else.” 

They ease into a different discussion and they all pointedly keep Neil, their plans for the rest of the summer, and _September_ out of them. 

Jean and Renee have to carry Kevin, Allison, and Jeremy back to their cabin at the end of the night. Katelyn and Aaron follow after them. Nicky helps Dan and Matt clean up the mess, Neil staying close behind to put out the fire. Andrew meets me right on the edge of the fire pit area. He gives Neil a distant look before turning on his heel and heading back to the cabin. Neil wishes Dan and Matt a goodnight and follows after him. 

They stop by the front door and Nicky has to brush past them to get inside. Andrew lights a cigarette and then a second and hands one off to Neil.

“I’m sorry,” Neil says softly, he isn’t sure what else he can say, “You always knew that I would leave.” 

It isn’t the right thing to say. Andrew looks tense and angry, his empty hand twists into a fist and Neil wishes that he thought before he spoke. Wishes that he hadn’t said anything at all.

“I know,” Andrew says.

“Did you forget?” 

“I don’t forget anything,” Andrew gives him a hard look, “You know this.” 

Neil knows this but he also knows that Andrew is lying. He let himself pretend that Neil had never planned on leaving. 

“I haven’t made up my mind,” Neil says. Andrew just shakes his head. 

“Yes you have,” Andrew announces, “I know you have.” 

“I could change it.”

“But will you?” 

Neil bites his lip and looks away. Andrew knows him too well. Sees right through him.

“I-”

“Forget about it,” Andrew says. He drops his cigarette to the ground and crushes it with the toe of his shoe. He lights another. “This is nothing, it’s always been nothing. So it doesn’t matter either way.” 

Neil swallows back the bile in his throat. “Nothing?” 

Andrew sighs. He drops his cigarette again and crushes it with the toe of his boot. “Nothing,” He confirms like it’s as easy as breathing.

“Right,” Neil whispers.

They don’t talk about it again. They go back into the cabin. Andrew kisses Neil once, a hard and chaste kiss that leaves Neil feeling empty. They climb into their own beds and Neil rolls to face the wall so he can pretend that he isn’t anywhere at all.

The nightmare hits like a freight train as soon as Neil hits REM. Lola is there. Romero is there. Jackson is there. They find him. They drag him to Baltimore. Force him into his father’s basement. Laid out across the floor is everyone he knows. Dan, Matt, Renee, Allison, Kevin, Jean, Jeremy, Aaron, Katelyn, Nicky, Uncle Stuart, Andrew. 

They make him watch. 

Neil wakes up violently. There is no way to hide the knee-jerk reaction. He pulls himself out of bed, ignores Andrew sitting up and saying his name. He goes into the bathroom and throws up. When he steps back out Andrew is waiting for him with a bottle of water. Neil refuses. He grabs his shoes and pulls them on.

“I’ll be back,” He says, “Go to sleep.” 

Andrew opens his mouth to protest but Neil is out the door before he can stop him. He runs and runs and runs. He loops around the fire pit, runs laps back and forth up and down the rows of cabins. He runs until his lungs are full of spiky needles and his legs weight ten times too much to even lift. When he gets back to the cabin he finds Andrew is awake and waiting for him.

Neil tries to ignore the probing gaze. He goes to the bathroom and showers, brushes the taste of death from his mouth, and then changes into something less restricting, something loose and gray. When he comes back out into the main room he finds that Andrew is tucked away under his blanket. Neil goes to climb up to his bunk but Andrew stops him with a neat hand on his wrist. 

He raises the blanket in silent offering and Neil has the sudden urge to cry. He hasn’t cried since Baltimore.

He opens his mouth to say no but pushes the thought aside when he sees the raw look on Andrew’s face. Worry, fear, concern. Neil nods and then sets himself down into the soft mattress, his back facing Andrew. He doesn’t react when Andrew covers him with the blanket and then wraps a loose arm around his middle, pulling him back against Andrew’s chest. 

Neil closes his eyes and pretends that this is all there is, that his father’s associates are in custody, that they will _never_ find him. That he can have late night basketball games, amusement park trips, and holidays out of town, and cigarettes, kisses, and fruit in between. Tonight he lets himself have this because tomorrow he knows what he has to do.

*

The ride back to town is silent. Neil doesn’t look at Andrew even once, doesn’t smile, doesn’t reach out and offer his hand. He leans against the window and watches the mountains pass him by, watches the forests melt into cities, and then cities into suburbs. Andrew drives them to his house first. He drops off Aaron, Katelyn, and Nicky, who go happily, before heading to Uncle Stuart’s house. 

Neil doesn’t have anything to say. There isn’t anything _to_ say. He can’t have this. Not knowing that there are people still out there that want him dead. People that would kill anyone in their way. People that would cut his friends open and make him watch. 

Andrew parks the car outside of Stuart’s house and simply sits there. Neil finally looks at him, tries to convey his feelings through just a single expression. 

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I wish I could stay. I wanted to stay for you._

Neil clears his throat and says, “Thank you. For everything. You’re-” He stops and then sucks in a breath, “I don’t think you know how amazing you are.” 

Andrew looks unperturbed. He reaches out and grips the back of Neil’s neck, pulls him forward until they’re sharing their breaths, their foreheads pressed together. 

Neil wishes it didn't feel like this. He wishes goodbye was easier. 

Andrew kisses him and it feels like a cruel joke. He kisses him like he knows that it’s the last time. Like he’ll never get to have this again, so he’s firm, forceful, taking what Neil has always been so willing to give him. 

Neil lets him. 

When they pull apart they don’t go very far. Andrew gives him a kiss on the lips, on his cheek, on his nose, on his temple. Says, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Neil bites his tongue hard enough to draw blood. 

“See you tomorrow,” He lies. 

When he gets out of the car it feels like there is a giant weight sitting on his shoulders. He feels like he’s suffocating, like the air outside is as thick with blood as the basement in his house in Baltimore. Neil grabs his bag from the trunk and doesn’t look back as he makes his way to the front door. He lets himself in, carries the duffel bag up to his bedroom and throws it down on the floor. 

Stuart is working. He had sent Neil a text earlier that day to let him know that he wouldn’t be there when Neil got back, but that he was excited to see him. Stuart would most likely never see Neil again. 

He opens every drawer, pulls out every article of clothing he had bought during his stay. He picks the most inconspicuous outfits, the ones that will let him blend into a crowd, the outfits that will ensure his anonymity in a world full of average people. 

He upends his duffel bag and grabs his binder full of money, IDs and money orders that his mother had left him. These are items that Neil had managed to protect from the FBI. It is all he has left. 

Neil takes everything off the floor and sorts through the clean and dirty clothes until he settles on everything that he would ever need. He doesn’t bother folding them. He shoves them into the duffel bag and then forces his binder between the piles of clothing. When it zips it feels like it might burst. 

There isn’t much reason to clean up his mess so he doesn’t. Neil still feels guilty about the piles of clothes he is leaving behind for Stuart to sort through and clean. All of these _things_ he had accumulated. All of these gifts that his friends had given him with no strings attached. Neil swallows against the lump in his throat and leaves the bedroom, letting the door smack closed behind him.

In the kitchen he grabs some non-perishable food items from the cupboard. He writes a half-assed note for Stuart to see. A note that says he’s grateful for everything Stuart has done for him, but that this was for the best. He debates leaving his phone behind but decides against it. Maybe it’s sentimentality. Maybe it’s the desire to remind himself why he left in the first place. 

He makes sure that the phone is off when he tucks it into his duffel bag. He ignores any unread messages from his friends that might have been waiting for him.

With one last look around the house, at the front room with the large stairs and the shiny chandelier, he turns and leaves the house behind him, locking the door as he goes. He looks back once and then twice as he makes his way to the closest bus stop. 

_This is the right thing to do. This is the only option._

He just has to keep reminding himself why he’s leaving. That way he can convince himself that it was the right decision in the long run.

*

The bus stop is empty when he arrives. He buys a ticket heading west and boards the coach bus and tries not to watch the town disappear in the window. 

The first stop is three hours away. Neil spends the entire ride rummaging through his binder, double checking everything and then starting all over again. When he feels like he’s sure he has everything in order he slips the binder back into the duffel bag. There is a piece of paper tucked between the clothing, he grabs it, assuming that something fell out of the binder while he was rummaging around. 

As soon as the paper hits the light he realizes what it is. A polaroid of his friends that Dan had taken the day before they left the campgrounds. It must have gotten stuck in his bag or between the clothing while he was packing. It doesn’t really matter, he realizes. He looks at the phone, his fingers bending the etches of the polaroid until they are close to ripping. 

He’s smiling. In the photo he’s smiling. 

It isn’t his father’s smile either. It’s a smile that is much softer, lighter, brighter. A smile that doesn’t have the threat of blood and pain. It’s a smile that Neil has never seen on his own face before. A smile that he hadn’t even realized he was wearing when Dan had taken the picture. 

They’re all standing so close together, their arms wrapped around each other, their heads all bumping. Neil is stuck between Matt and Andrew, his eyes bright, Matt with an arm slung around his shoulder and Andrew with his arms crossed but his shoulder brushing against Neil’s.

It’s not just a photo of friends, Neil realizes. It’s his family. He’s theirs and they’re his.

Neil sucks in a breath and checks the time on the small digital clock at the front of the bus. They arrive in less than ten minutes. He’s only a few hours away. He could _go back_. But should he? Should he go back and risk losing them all over again? Risk losing them but in a way that would ruin their lives forever. _End_ their lives forever. 

Stuart had promised him that he would be safe. The FBI had promised him that he would be safe. Just how safe? Could they promise that Nathan’s lackeys would never find him? Was that something that they could even manage to do? 

Neil didn’t know anymore. He didn’t know what was the right decision. He realized that no one should have left him to make this decision at all. He was too young to feel like this, too young to be taking so many hits. 

Neil gets off at the next stop. 

He stands on the tarmac of the bus station three hours away from home. 

_Home_. 

Neil opens his duffel bag and pulls his phone out. He turns it on and ignores the onslaught of texts and missed calls. His phone is one step away from dying and he didn’t bring a charger. 

He has a limited amount of time. He has to make a decision now. 

“ _Neil_.” 

Neil pulls his phone away from his face and realizes that he made the call before his brain had even caught up to him. He sucks in a breath, reads Andrew’s name over and over and over until he hears, “ _Neil._ ”

“Andrew,” Neil says, his voice catching, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” 

“ _Where are you_?” 

“A bus stop three hours away,” Neil replies, “I- I left but- I don’t think I should have left. I want to come back.” 

“ _Then come back,_ ” Andrew says as if it’s that simple. 

“There are still people out there that could come after me,” Neil confesses, “Really bad people. People that would stop at nothing to kill me. People that could kill Uncle Stuart, our friends, _you_.” 

“ _That doesn’t matter_.”

“Of _course_ it matters. I can’t come back and put everyone in danger. I can’t _do_ that to you. To them.”

“ _Listen to me,_ ” Andrew says, his voice hard and commanding. Neil goes quiet. “ _You are safe. You are safe here. If someone comes after you, do you think that we wouldn’t notice? That someone wouldn’t help you? Do you think that any of us would just let you go. That_ I _would let you go?_ ”

Neil sucks in a breath. He touches his face and realizes that he’s crying. 

“ _Come back, Neil. You are no safer out there than you are here. No one is going to come for you and if they do, Neil, and that is a_ big _if, I will be there. Do you understand?_ ”

“Yes,” Neil chokes out. 

“ _When is the next bus back?_ ” 

“Um. Let me check,” Neil says softly. He wipes his face with the back of his hand and then heads to the posted schedule for the day. He checks for buses back to Palmetto and then finds what he’s looking for.

“Fuck. There isn’t a bus back until 10 pm tonight,” Neil says, “I have to wait.” 

“ _I’ll come get you_ ,” Andrew says. Neil hears shuffling and then the light jingling of keys. 

“No, Andrew. You don’t-” 

“ _I’m coming to get you_ ,” He says again, “ _Send me the address._ ” 

Neil’s phone vibrates against his face. He pulls it away in time to see that there is a message saying that his phone has 10% battery left. 

“Shit, Andrew,” Neil says, quickly pulling the phone back, “My phone is going to die.”

“ _It’s fine. Just send me the address and stay put_ ,” Andrew says, emphasising Stay and Put. Neil doesn’t plan on going anywhere. Never again. At least not alone. 

“Okay,” Neil says his voice ragged from crying, “I’ll send it to you. I’ll be here.” 

“ _You better be_.” 

*

It takes three and a half hours but as soon as Andrew’s car pulls in Neil slumps and lets out a sigh of relief and nearly falls straight into the pavement. Andrew parks in the spot right in front of Neil’s bench and they lock eyes through the windshield. 

Neil stands and makes his way over to the car, throwing open the back door and carelessly tossing in his duffel bag. As soon as he’s in the passenger seat he’s reaching out and Andrew is meeting him halfway. 

Andrew wraps his arms around Neil’s shoulder, crushes him into his chest and holds him there, squeezing every last bit of fear and anxiety out of his body, taking it in and bearing the weight. 

Neil sucks in a breath and buries his face into the dip of Andrew’s neck, trying and failing to stop himself from crying all over again. Andrew doesn’t say anything, doesn’t comment on the tears that are probably soaking the collar of his shirt. 

Neil hasn’t cried in so long and he’s never cried from anything other than physical pain. These tears are different. It’s a relief. A release of emotions that he has been carrying since June. Since he was released from the hospital in Baltimore. Since the FBI shot and killed his father. 

He sucks in uneven breaths and Andrew runs his hands up and down Neil’s back in soothing motions. He doesn’t push, doesn’t reprimand, although Neil knew that he was going to get an ear full on the ride back, he just holds Neil until he can breathe easy again. Until the tears stop and start to up on against their skin. 

“I’m so sorry,” Neil whispers, “I shouldn’t have left. I thought it was the only option.” 

“I know,” Andrew whispers. 

“Do you hate me?” 

“Yes,” Andrew replies immediately. Neil moves to pull away but Andrew holds him tighter. “No,” he corrects. 

Neil shakes his head. “It’s okay. I hate me, too.”

“Idiot,” Andrew says softly. He pulls back and takes Neil’s face into his hands, wipes the drying tears with his thumbs and then pulls Neil forward so he can kiss his forehead. 

“This isn’t nothing,” Andrew says against his skin, “You’re not nothing.” 

That- well that makes Neil feel like he could cry all over again. 

“Can we go home?” Neil asks, “Can you take me home?” 

“Always.”

“Are the others angry? Did Uncle Stuart notice?” 

“Yes,” Andrew replies. He pulls away and gives Neil one more steady look before starting the car again. “He called Wymack and let him know.” 

“Asshole,” Neil says under his breath, but then he laughs, “He’s such an asshole.” 

“He cares about you,” Andrew corrects, “That’s a big difference.” 

“I know,” Neil says softly. He leans his head against the side of the seat and watches Andrew. He reaches out, his fingers hovering over the stick shift. Andrew takes his hand. 

“I won’t do this again,” Neil says. 

“Words mean nothing,” Andrew replies, “Words are seedless fruits. They are nice but have no lasting significance.”

“I will just have to prove it to you, won’t I?” Neil asks. Andrew sighs. He releases Neil’s hand for only a second before readjusting so that they’re both holding onto the stick shift. Neil shivers when Andrew clutches his hand and the hard leather to switch the car into reverse. 

“I guess so,” Andrew replies. 

“Do you think Wymack will still have a job for me?” 

“It was implied,” Andrew says, “And Wymack is not the type to give up on a lost cause.” 

Neil laughs and it feels like a real laugh. Feels like the fizzy bubbles in a soda. He doesn’t try to stop them from overflowing. 

“Thank you,” Neil says after a moment of silence, “Thank you for everything.” 

“If you ever thank me again, I will kill you myself.” 

Neil laughs and leans back against the seat. He tangles their fingers together over the stick shift and _squeezes_. 

He finally has a home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it's over! Thank you so much for reading and thank you for waiting an entire month for me to finish this story! 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr and twitter @stjosten. :)


End file.
